Dear A. call me

by

I've liked you for years, since high school and you were my secret valentine. I painted a card with a message and had my friend give it to you. And you probably didn't have a clue. You still probably don't have a clue. But when I spent time with you and mutual friend, somehow, something occurred to you, that I like you. Then a day or so later I talked to you and spent time with you, the first time I ever actually just been with you one on one. We visit a friend of yours and hung out with your friends, had a good time, and then I watched the movie that we rented. A.- I sat there with you and was profoundly confused, and I could tell that you were desperately trying to make a move, and I sat there rigid...think about a guy things hadn't worked out with. I thought I really liked this other guy. But never as much as I would like A., and have liked him. I spend the rest of the night with him, and eventually loosen up a little. I go home, have Christmas with my whole family, and even come back early from my relatives in hopes of seeing you A. I wait and I wait, and A. finally responds to me, at his connivence. It's a little annoying, but I am bored, and need something to do; So I'll put up with it. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I think to myself...He's a friend, he's a good time, and at least he is in the now. I can't do anything but live in the present. He is here, and it's not like I am making out this with some random person, I like him. I don't know what I want from him, but I am pretty happy with how things are.

It happens all over again. He's says we should see each other after xmas and then after multiple times of him saying, "hey! you should come over here!" late, late at night when we are both awake. He did take a step to im'd me days after I had called him, and then waited again for him to invite me. He said because he cancelled on me that he would see me all day. It was in the afternoon when I called him probably around 4:30. After that time I needed to talk to my mom, and then I called A. again when I got the details. And then when A. picked me up, we hung out with his friends, and then I was there until about 10pm. A. went to drive me back, and I really didn't want to go home, and after we pulled up to my driveway. After making out for a few minutes there, A. asked me if I wanted him to come in. I obliged. A. said hi to my mom and they briefly talked. I grabbed a beer from the fridge, and I reminded my mother how late it was, mostly because I wanted her to leave. I had to remind her a few times, and she finally took the hint. We sat for a while on my family room couch, just making out. My mother had gone to bed, and I asked if he wanted to go to my room, and then we continued to make-out, and this time I wasn't freaked out, I was in control and knew that I liked him, and that it was mostly the sting hurt that of someone else that made me conflicted. And the he asked me "where is this going?" and I really didn't know wtf A. was asking me. The last time he saw me, A. made it pretty clear that he was wanted to have sex, he didn't say it in so many words, but it was implied. But I had no idea what A. was talking about this time. Was this some sort of subtle way of bring it up? In the confusion and everything, I just answered "I don't know." Things continued briefly, and soon A. left because he had to wake up early in the morning.As he talked about how he would like to stay in my bed, sleep there, spend the night, but couldn't because he needed to go back home so he could wake up early to drive to the club that he skis at. He asked me when my flight was, then said that he wanted to see me before I left. He said that he would call me when he got into the city. He never called. I called around 8pm believing that maybe he was getting in late, and that I may as well call him. I probably said to much, especially about my family dinner and how my Aunt was a bit much. He cut me off, and then told me that he couldn't talk because he was driving. I told him I was sorry, I didn't know, and he said that he would call me back. He didn't.

I figured that if I didn't call him again I wouldn't see him before he left. I waited to about 2.5 hours called him and told him that I was hanging out with friends since then but what now home. He told me that an old friend was hanging out with him. Whatever, maybe this is true, I don't care, but then he said, I don't know, I am kinda tired. This really annoyed me. I thought that he might be more mature than some of his friends about girls, but clearly he isn't. Then he told me he would call me back, and then corrected himself, saying he would send me a text. Whatever dude, you're not going to call.

You said you'd call me about two times and didn't follow through, what makes you think that I am going to believe you? I guess old habits die hard.

I am frustrated, annoyed. I hate it when people don't keep their word. Maybe dating is a game, and maybe the plays people make work--but right now I don't have any patience for it. I just want a guy to call me when he says he will, come up with a plan, and respect my time. To give Alex some credit, I really didn't give him much of an opportunity to hang out. 8pm was kinda late, but still it was YOU that said you wanted to see me, not me. I didn't put those words in your mouth, and if you thought that you'd just "tell me what YOU think I want to hear" then you really have it way off. I hate empty promises, and it doesn't make you more attractive, or hard to get, or just out of reach--it makes you an asshole who doesn't respect my time. It's weird, I feel like he is a completely different person when we are alone. He's honest, he's kind, but when I am around him and his friends, I receive no attention, and I have no idea what is going on. The way that he ignores me, it makes me feel like I am the desperate one, when in fact, I was not the one who initiated anything. I was nervous, fumbling , and scared. But after hanging out with me once he told me he wanted to see me again. But now he just wants me to chase him, and come to him when things are convenient for him. I wish he was honest, just tell me, I'm hanging out with friends, I know I told you that I would call and that we should hang out but this isn't going to happen. Or at very least he could say that I want to see you before you leave, but I am not sure I have time, I'll let you know.

It's just beautifully darling the way he does things, saying he wants to see me, then making me put all the work into getting the plans together, not calling me back when you give me your word. I wish that he could get his act together, remember to do things, and stop acting like a coward, taking the easy way out when he is unable to keep his word. All I know is, the next time I come home, I will hang out with him when our mutual friends are around, but I will not do more than extend an open invitation to hang out while I am in the city. He can come to me. He can call me back (for once). I don't need a guy who thinks he is above the chase, that wants me to pursue, and won't even call me. Even the most forgetful friends I have will apologise after not calling me back promptly. A. still has some growing up to do. If I ever talk to him again, which I am sure is inevitable, I want to tell him that I find it really frustrating that he says he'll call me back, when in fact he won't. If you don't want to do something just tell me, I won't be mad. I am more annoyed that you didn't keep your word more than anything. And assuming things are casual, at the very least he could do what he says he is going to do. I really don't want anything more than that. I have no room in my life for fair-weather friends, or fair-weather anything really. I need people in my life that I feel I can trust. I can't trust you unless you are able to be upfront with me. I want the people in my life to be able to weather the storm.

And maybe A. realises that. Nothing about me is easy. I have so much going on inside my head. I don't know what I want. Sometimes I do, and I go directly for it. Usually I don't and I will sway side to side like a metronome, and then allow myself to move like a wave, slowly building momentum, just to crash upon the shore, and then return back to sea. I don't know what I want, and I am perpetually confused, at a loss for words, desperate to find something both enjoyable and meaningful in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am staring at an infinite abyss of hopelessness that could never be resolved, and it just seems so utterly pointless. As if life was just an act of futility.

I sometimes wish that I could become a simple person, who enjoys knitting, or sewing, or something equally as wholesome and feminine , and just like a quiet life by the sea or in the country, in a beautiful bucolic setting, where everything seems serene and alive. But I know this just isn't in the cards for me, and it just won't happen, not with all the vallium in the world.

There aren't enough psycho-tropic drugs on earth the could subdue the pain I feel. Inside I am an angry, angry girl. I don't feel loved, appreciated, and rarely do I feel important. I have endured some trauma in my life, but most is self-inflicted. I want my emotion pain to be matched with some sort of co-responding physical pain, because maybe then, I would be able to be fixed, get better, and become loved. I am a fragile being, and I wasn't that I was excessively teased, I just sometimes think that I am all to aware of others sadness, the overall unstable nature of the world to lead a healthy normal life. I question things to much, I can help be anxious when someone who is in close proximity is also anxious. Their emotions consume me, become a part of me, and effect how I feel. I can't live a day unaffected by others. And their aren't enough caring, emotionally aware people in the world to soothe my insecurities, subdue my anger, and love me enough to be free of my own complexities. So I exist, forever affected by others, my own moods dependant on theirs, too emotionally aware that I am always trying to make sense of others, all the other people, but I couldn't tell you a word about myself and what I am really like. I know myself in the context of other people. That's why it's impossible for me to make any life decisions of my own. Everything I know about these decisions isn't based on who I am but others experiences. I end up feeling lost, sad, and unloved. So I wait around, bored and hang out with my brother before going to bed. I have some snacks from the leftovers, and the perogies were delicious, and sit around watching Conviction, a spin-off series based on Law & Order created by the same director.

I'm in bed, and I think that I might be writing this, but I could also be doing useless stuff on the internet.

So around 2am, A. messages me. He says hi and we talk for a bit about what he did, how he was, and how his pet Leo the iguana is doing. He asked me when I was flying out, and then said: "why you ask?"

He doesn't respond to that, and I decide that it is time to move on to an other topic of conversation. I tell him about the 12 year old in the U.S. that shot his mother, because he didn't want to do his chores. Alex didn't know what a "row" was, which kind of made me chuckle. I mean who doesn't know that. Well obviously not people with a limited vocabulary, but it may sound snobbish, or down right elitist, but I'd like to think--not the kind of people I hang out with. Anyway, the fact that he doesn't know what row means doesn't make or break it. It's trivial but still something that bothers me. I just wish that he would keep his word. Not be all laissez-faire when it comes to hanging out with me. It makes me feel unimportant. And most of all it makes me feel that I am being importunate, like I am being the one that is annoying, which is frustrating. Well I guess that I won't have to deal with him any more. I know A. probably means it all in good fun, and doesn't want me to be attached, but he shouldn't make empty promises, and expect quite so much out of me, when honestly, I just don't know what he was asking me. But I wasn't ready for a conversation, and even more it just bothered me that he had to know. Is it really that important? Well I guess in a guys perspective it kind of is. But putting me on the spot isn't going to make me decide any faster, in fact it will probably confuse me and slow down the entire process.

I just wonder if A. has ever really had a relationship, not that I am trying to tie him down, or whatever that bullshit maybe, I just think that it's only respectful to treat a girl well. But maybe that is all he wants, or all he needs. Maybe he doesn't need anything more than pure attraction in order to have sex with someone. But for me it does.

I see A. on my msn and it haunts me, I want to talk to him, I want him, I want him to pay attention to me. And every time he signs on it takes a little bit of everything I have not to annoy him. I want him to ask me about my life I want him to care. But I guess he doesn't. Or he isn't nearly as overbearing and needy as I am. He doesn't feel like he always needs to talk, always needs to say something, or head might explode or something. His name on my screen calls to me, and he has become somewhat of a fixation for me. I want him to be there, in some way. I know that I'm coming home for the long weekend, and I'm seriously considering having sex with him, because I really want him. I don't know what he wants, but I want him. But I am afraid: I am afraid that I'll get attached, that I'll care, because I don't want to fall for him and find myself on the ground, without him.

Who am I kidding, he doesn't want anything serious. And even if he was interested, he is so unreliable, he doesn't call when he says he will, and I don't know what to do with myself half the time. I just want someone to want me, and I guess he does, but not in the way that I want him to. I don't want to be someone's fix, or a one-night stand, I want to be more than that, I want to mean more than that. I want to be a meaningful presence in someone's life.

Why can't you just call me? I'm coming home in a few weeks...

---Why is it so hard to be honest?

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