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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

It's like the Playboy Channel in your room at night.

Posted on Tue, Feb 10, 2009 at 12:15 PM

Dear guy I live with,

Listen, it's great that you're now in a relationship. You're happier, it's a good relationship, things are happening for you. Fantastic. I have no objections to that.

What I DO have an objection to is hearing you two screwing in the middle of the night, and having the whole thing sound like a damn porno being filmed in our apartment. I'm no prude (believe you me), but you kept me up with your guttural groaning and moaning that seemed interminable, and it just wasn't necessary.

We live in close quarters, and there was no escape from the aural assault. I had the door shut and pillows shoved into my ears, but it barely dulled your animal calls. I hid out in the living room, hoping the distance would let me escape from the cacophony emanating from your bedroom (directly across from mine, might I remind you), but somehow it actually amplified the sound.

I had to sit in the dark and wait (an hour!) until you finished and shut up, but by then it was 3am. I had to get up early, and there was just no way I was going to easily fall back asleep after suffering through that nightmare. The worst part is, it's not something I can come up to you about in the morning because I KNOW you. You'll think that somehow I'm appealing to your bloated ego. I'm not, dude. It's fucking obnoxious and completely unnecessary for me to hear every damn thrust and accompanying grunt when you have sex in the middle of the night, when the house is at its quietest. (Somehow, when you guys have sex during “waking hours” when the house is able to mask your wild yells with TV and traffic sounds, you two manage to fuck quietly. What is with that?)

The point is, I don't care that you're getting some. I just don't need to hear it, especially not when I work so early in the morning. Next time you two start fucking and sounding like a bad Max Hardcore flick, I'll make an effort to muster up enough acting skills to make it seem like I'm enjoying the concert by pitching in my own vocal appreciation. We'll see who feels the most awkward in the morning over coffee and breakfast.

If you don't get the hint, well, maybe come July you'll need to find yourself a new roommate who is actually into hardcore voyeurism to renew the lease with.

---A quiet kinkster who doesn't always need a ball gag to keep quiet.

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