Bachelor chow and why can't I get a decent can opener?

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Okay here's the deal- I'm a guy....I live mostly on canned food....my question is....why does *hunky soup taste about the same a s mid-grade dog chow? Also, why the fuck is it impossible to get a decent can-opener for those cans that don't have the pop-tops? They are either $1.99 and shit or $19.99 and shit....

---I love the smell of melamine in the morning

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