The 12 Rules of Shopping

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As a former retail worker (which everyone who has ever shopped should be required to experience) and a frequent shopper I thought I'd offer unsolicited and probably unwanted advice to all of you shopping shitheads out there.

All of these examples are from actual events so don't think I'm exaggerating for effect. I just felt like getting things off my chest for the Hellidays shopping frenzy.

1. Don't rip a package to shreds to see if it's exactly what you want then throw the item on the floor and grab a neatly packaged one to purchase. This is especially true when there are examples of said item already open right next to you.

2. Don't come into a store mid December and throw a tantrum because an item you wanted isn't in stock. You snooze, you lose. Find something else and start your shopping earlier next year.

3. Don't urinate, deficate or deposit used menstrual items in the dressing rooms. Do I need to say more here?

4. If you have a bunch of items you want to buy but not right that second. Don't shove them under racks, behind walls or inside other clothes and especially don't complain because the items you "hid" were put back in their proper place when you came back for them.

5. Don't hate the store because they don't have exactly what you want. You may think a 4 foot tall Santa wearing a Souwester and a kilt should be an easy to find item but if you can't find it don't huff and puff and talk about how much the store sucks.

6. If someone sees you obviously looking for an item and offers help, either take it or don't but pacing up and down the same aisle 10 times bitching that you can't find something after refusing help just makes you look like a moron.

7. When in line at the register, don't bitch about how long the wait is in then get to the front and ask 50 questions and run back and forth trading items and laying clothes out into little outfits to see how they match. Do you see the irony here?

8. If your kids are screaming at the top of their lungs for 10 to 20 minutes at a time take them out of the fucking store. Also, don't get pissed because you're getting dirty looks from everyone - you've earned them.

9. If you know nothing about who you are shopping for don't expect the employees to. If you need a gift for your cousin's daughter but you don't know how old she is, what size she wears, what colour she likes or what hobbies she has then go find that shit out before you act disgusted that the employee showed you 10 different things that were "all wrong"

10. If you shop this time of year you have no right to ever bitch about line ups, parking spaces or an untidy store. I have a news flash for you. You will have a hard time finding a parking spot, you will have to wait in line and even with all the extra help at Christmas they cannot instantly tidy a table of t-shirts that you completely destroyed in 4 seconds.

11. If you take up a lot of room because you have a huge stroller, a shopping cart or you're just really large don't look disgusted and roll your eyes and sigh loudly when someone says "excuse me" to get past you. It shouldn't be that difficult to move a few inches to the left and if it is stay home.

12. Employees are humans. Don't expect them to create miracles, bitch about them loudly when they tell you something isn't in stock, tell them it's none of their fucking business when they ask for a postal code or phone number for their stats (how about "Sorry, I prefer not to give that out"), call them stupid when they don't understand that when you ask for "one of those things that you put things in" is a Christmas stocking or blame them when your credit card declines.

I realize this is lengthy but I could go on and on. I'm just thankful that I'm not a retail worker and that my shopping was done 2 months ago.

Happy Shopping! —Online shopper not a mall hopper

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