This isn't a bitch. More of a plea wrapped in a wtf.
I have a friend. I love her very much. She is funny, intelligent, cute and interesting.
She also smells like a dead body.
This is not me introducing a little hyperbole for the sake of an interesting story. My friend actually smells like a decaying seagull that decomposed outside my work for three weeks before it was finally carted away. The fishy, rancid, slightly sweet smell of death and decay that, once you smell it, you never forget it. Ever? My dear friend smells EXACTLY like that.
Now i know what all of you are thinking. "Hasn't she ever heard of taking a fucking shower?" I know because i thought that too.
She showers twice a day.
She showered at my house once and she came out SMELLING AS BAD AS SHE DID GOING IN. My TUB SMELLED LIKE AN UNDERTAKER'S SUIT.
What the fucking creeping hell?? How is that even possible? She was in there for forty five goddamned minutes...
I don't know. I don't know how someone who cleans themselves often can smell like she does. She washes her clothes. I don't get it. Then she slaps perfume over that horrorshow and ... anyone who thinks perfume is a solution to body odor needs to cut that shit out right this hot minute because if there is anything you can do to make any situation ten times worse, it's putting perfume over a steaming case of BO.
I'm not here to play scientist. I'm here to play humanitarian.
See.. she lives with her own stench so she doesn't realize. If she does, she never brings it up and doesn't try doing anything differently. Every birthday, every christmas, fucking VICTORIA DAY people give her gifts of shower gels, perfume and deodorant. She USES these things. Nothing helps.
How do you tell someone who tries to keep clean that they smell like a corpse? That when they walk by your flower bed, you fully expect each and every little crocus to turn grey, wither and die?
How do you tell someone you care about that they're disgusting? And no "just tell her" isn't gonna cut it. She's also EXTRAORDINARILY sensitive. —What?