Hate pretending to be happy

I go through the motions every single day. Drag myself out of bed, check to see if there is a power outage / snowstorm / some other reason not to "Pass Go" and force myself to get ready for a day of pretending I am cheery and happy.

I smile at everyone, exchange morning pleasantries with co-workers, make up stories about relaxing and enjoying my previous evening / last day off. I look my boss in the eye and smile and tell her she is right, I am wrong, I will fix that, I will have that for you at xtime, always smiling and cheery. I wonder if they can tell I'm faking it?

I return to my office, close the door and do everything in my power to not burst into an uncontrollable bout of tears because I am so unhappy, all the time, for no reason.

I take home a great pay cheque, have a nice house, a wonderful person to share all this with, but my body is physically wired to be unhappy. Medication helps, it gets me through the day, makes me function but it doesn't and can't make me happy. The Dr's I have seen are doing the best they can - I appreaciate their care.

I went through a self-medicating trial but booze is expensive and the relief it short lived, outweighed by the inevitable hang-over or severe depression once the buzz wears off.

Why can't I just be happy - I have no reason not to be. —Sucky Assed Depression sucks

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