Dear Stenchpile

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I let you stay at my house for two weeks while I was away. You needed a place to stay and I needed someone to look over the house while i was gone. Seems like a fairly mutually beneficial arrangement, yes?

I get back after two weeks and find the following little gems in my house.

1. The house was filthy and caked in a layer of grease and grime. Dishes weren't washed, kitchen was dripping with spilled food and candy wrappers that you inexplicably dropped and just left there. Juice spilled on the floor was just sort of left there and tracked through because, whatever, fuck it.

2. Marshmallow was caked on my grandmother's antique table such that i had to destroy the surface to clean it off.

3. The little green compost bucket was filled without a liner, then left in the back yard, full, hidden behind a fucking rock.

4. The large compost bin in the front yard was filled with garbage, some in bags, some loose. (And may i just add at this point here that you never offered to fix this even though I have a rotator cuff injury and am now doing it myself. Anyone who has injured their rotator cuff can vouch for just how disabling it is.)

5. The cat litter hadn't been scooped ONCE IN TWO WEEKS. Just covered in newspaper and left to fester.

6. My cats' water was filthy. Can you not even bend your ass over and change a bowl of water?

And.. this is my favourite one.

7. THE STINK. I don't know if you just don't shower or what but the unholy, rotten stench of body odor left on all my furniture and permeating through the house was absolutely furious. I don't know if I'm ever going to get the furniture clean so now I have to live in stench because you can't keep yourself, or your surroundings clean. I don't know if it's health or hygiene and frankly I don't give a fuck. You reek and now my house reeks.

I guess I should have known the day before i got home when you were all like "Fuck man.. I have to clean......." - i should have known that it would be bad. You don't "clean" the DAY someone arrives back at a home that you promised to take care of. And I guess I should have known what to expect when, instead of cleaning up and just getting it done, you sat on facebook all day complaining about how you were having trouble "cleaning" because of a "headache".

Then! Ok? THEN, i get home and start cleaning up my scuzz-encrusted house and you SIT THERE AND WATCH ME. You sit on your ass and watch me clean up YOUR MESS. No offer to help, didn't even OCCUR to you.

Listen. You are an absolute pig. You are unable to maintain even a basic level of housework or hygiene. You don't have a job and yet you're too "tired" to take care of yourself. You have all fucking day to get off your lazy ass and get shit done. No more excuses. All you ever do is just shove excuses at people.

You didn't even have a toothbrush here man.. In two weeks you didn't have a toothbrush here. Come the fuck ON...

Never again will i come home to the unholy, christing stench-filled filth pit I came home to this time. You didn't even realize it was all that messy. I can't even begin to imagine how you were raised but in the real world, you do NOT freeload at someone's house for two weeks, leave it a filth pit and then watch them with glee as they clean it up.

Never again. When you come here in the future, you will be supervised or not at all—Your fucking slave, apparently

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