Etiquette for the common Juice Monkey

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Well, welcome one and all to the newly-opened gym, sorry, "Personal Fitness Centre." Looks great, but I'd like to take a leap of faith on the literacy front and ask a couple of q's to the steroid-friendly crowd (a.k.a. Juice Monkeys) who have managed to find their way unassisted all the way down from that other place. Firstly, it's become evident that in the course of your physical development, you've managed to very commendably memorize dozens, potentially hundreds of different ways to lift metal off the floor and put it down again. Same goes for your nutrition plan, with the eggs, and the whey, and the brownish mix you reliably chug every 10 minutes, and the stuff that in some weird way appeals to you because it's packaged in the same type of giant-size bulk bag my friggin’ dog's food is sold in. Whatever.

With all of this capacity for knowledge, then, how is it that you are so completely defeated by the function of the little white handle on the side of the toilet tank? I know you've obviously been at this pick-things-up-set-things-down bit for a long while, but did the onset of this self-obsessive hobby pre-exempt you from showing up for toilet training or something? Even better question, possibly one reserved for the companion of yours in that ersatz man-love relationship you call “training buddies”, nttawwt: How is it that, in an eliminatory situation where one of either gender is customarily seated, you so completely and decisively MISS THE FUCKING BOWL? I mean, seriously, what the fuck is so wrong with you that you can’t even handle taking a dump without creating an assvalanche of shit on the wall behind you? On a side note, maybe you should see someone about that – healthy bodies do not produce…whatever the fuck you made that mural out of. Bottom line: if the whole point of your workout is to achieve the appearance of something somewhat apart from a regular human, good news: Achievement Unlocked! Now go get yourself a mop and a fucking litterbox. —Speck

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