This is a manifesto that is a long time coming, Halifax. There’s a problem with your pepperoni pizza. There’s a really big problem. I had to remove myself from this town in order to fully realize the scope of this issue, and I’ve spent a long time trying to convince myself that Halifax pepperoni pizza is good. But it’s not. It’s just fucking not.
So here I am, like Luther hammering a note to the church door; I am hammered and I am going to explain my grievances against all that is good and holy in the order of severity.
1. Pepperoni does not go under the cheese.
2. Geeze, this pepperoni tastes like salami and is the size of salami and smells like salami. Stop fucking around, Halifax—it’s not pepperoni, it’s salami.
3. Ideally, pepperoni should be a little bit larger than a toonie and rest peacefully ON TOP OF THE CHEESE SO THE CHEESE MELTS INTO THE BASE, not SMOTHERED BY CHEESE AND DROWNING IN FUCKING SAUCE.
4. If it’s the size of a DVD, it’s NOT PEPPERONI
5. Pepperoni. Does. Not. Go. Under. The. Cheese.
Look, if you’re a pizza joint out in this town and you don’t use the use the pepperoni-salami hybrid, good on you. But this will not stand. This is not what pizza is supposed to be.
—I am angry ABOUT PIZZA