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Friday, May 27, 2016

Boogie Eaters, Loud Breathers, and Exhale Sprayers

Posted on Fri, May 27, 2016 at 4:00 AM

Do you think I can't see you? If it was just once or twice I would block it out and move on. But no, you do it many times throughout the day. Do you think I can't see you pick your nose and eat it? STEADY. ALL DAY. And you dig in your ears and other parts of your face and eat whatever you find. And you do this when the entire office is sick with the flu. Someone who sits literally 2 feet from you has a raging fever and is coughing (and fucking touching everything thanks) and you're there basically licking your hands every 5 minutes. You may as well be sucking the snot out of the sick guy's nose because you clearly don't care about getting sick. (which is fine I guess but don't you dare complain about being sick and don't come in to work to possibly get me or anyone else sick).

AND ANOTHER THING! Again, the odd time is no big deal. But when you do this EVERY FEW MINUTES I'm gonna want to rip your windpipe out. You do not need to make an audible groan every time you exhale. Or slightly close your throat so that every few exhales make a sound. We get it, you're bored. Or frustrated. But shut up. I took a large sampling and calculated that on average you make an audible exhale 0.8 time per minute. THAT'S TOO MANY TIMES. STAAAHHP. It's seriously like mini sex noises throughout the day that you make me hear. It makes me feel gross. So I wear my headphones and listen to music all day. Which can get annoying sometimes but whatever- I do what I gotta do. But sometimes I can still hear you. Shut up.

And lastly, exhale sprayers. When you sigh (which is often) you don't need to exhale directly in my face/general direction. YO BREATH STANK. And when it doesn't, it's still fuckin' gross man. If someone's hair moves every time you sigh maybe stop? Or breath out your nose? Or aim it downwards? I do! You can too- I believe in you. Thank you. —Grossed Out Girl

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