Dog Cultists


Look, I'm glad for you if a pet dog makes you happy. God bless if your computer wallpaper with pit bull photos in little digitally-edited Santa hats cheers you up. Good for you if owning a dog is what gets you up in the morning, but why must this societal attitude prevail that if you don't like dogs or aren't particularly swooning over every cute puppy photo or doggie adoption story you've got no soul? No, I'm not a heartless monster just because I asked you to pull your dog off me on Spring Garden Road yesterday, man. It's just that not even five minutes ago your beloved Fido was licking its own crotch and then tried to lick my hands—excuse me if I find that rather unappealing. No, my well-meaning colleague, I don't want your dog to eat off my plate when we have dinner tomorrow evening, nor do I want to help you start an awareness webpage because you want more research done into dogs suffering from PTSD. We don't even give our country's human veterans or victims of sexual assault the same level of attention as we do to "traumatized" animals, so why would I care if your "fur-baby" is scared of thunderstorms and you think it needs Prozac? Not everybody is as obsessed with dogs as others, and no, there's nothing wrong with not caring about dogs. That stunned face I get from people when I say "please pull your dog off me before I press charges," is both odd and rather frustrating. Of course it's not the dog's fault that it just got fur and slobber all over some stranger's clothes. It must be the random stranger's fault for not gushing over how cute it is and just accepting it as if it's okay.—Bone to pick

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