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I am in a safe, positive, loving and committed relationship with a man who I love and care for immensely. This does NOT mean that I have not also dated and been attracted to women and non-binary, genderqueer, etc., folks. This does NOT mean I am now straight or cis, or secretly was all along. This does NOT erase my lifelong experiences of confusion, and struggles to understand who I am. I mostly lean towards femme these days, because it's slightly less exhausting, and there are people in my life who aren't ready to understand or accept how I identify.

”Passing” is NOT a privilege. It is a constant struggle with my own identity being discredited, doubted and dismissed, which causes inner turmoil and self-doubt. I acknowledge that some of these worries are internal/projections, but I have seen in-fighting in queer communities that seems to imply that non-binary or bi folks aren’t "queer enough,” because we want access to queer spaces/communities but are perceived as somehow not having to "do the work" of being visibly identifiable as gay, lesbian, etc. Gender non-conforming folks have NO OBLIGATION to look a certain way. Anyone who excludes or passes judgment on couples who APPEAR hetero and/or cis is making A LOT of assumptions about their identities and past experiences. Nobody can assume what a person has already been through, will later experience or where they are on their journey to understanding their gender and sexuality.

I am SICK of queer people in-fighting and posting shit about other "so-called queer" people/couples who don't look or behave queerly enough in public spaces. But there are tons of reasons why folks might not be able to perform that way.

We need to support people, not exclude them. This shit is complicated and a lot of folks who grew up in a time before this stuff was openly talked about need to take their time to figure out how THEY identify, even if it doesn’t look obvious. — No Longer A Mess

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