Angry? Mad as hell and you can't take it anymore? Get something off your chest and it could be published online and/or in print. Bitches are anonymous and may be edited for length, grammar, spelling and our lenient standards of propriety.

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Animal kingdumb

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Bitch poetry slam

Posted By on Tue, May 21, 2019 at 3:34 PM

Bring Back Bald Britney
She a boss ass bitch
with an umbrella ella ella
Bustin up car windows
No more dancing Vegas puppet
Handlers at the kitty cat ranch

Fat Palimony bitchboy
Federline fed enough
He eatin like a king,
Bling bling bling,
Cut him off judge!
Leave Britney alone!
Illuminati queen, next to Bey
But I like Sahsa Fierce better.

Bring back bald Britney
and bald Bynes too.
Yas yas yas queens
Yous the real shits
Stay Woke
—Read between the lines

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Tuesday, April 9, 2019


Posted By on Tue, Apr 9, 2019 at 10:56 AM

Why the fuck isn't the city doing the road work at night, like all of Europe does?
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Monday, April 1, 2019

To all the independent landlords in this city:

Posted By on Mon, Apr 1, 2019 at 5:35 PM

Why are you making it so difficult for me to rent with you? I'm a 30-year-old professional with a full-time job. I'm a non-smoker with excellent credit and no pets. The only time I spend at home is to eat and sleep. In other words, I'm literally your ideal candidate. Yet most of you won't even reply to my initial inquiry! And if you do, you're only available for viewings during business hours! Who are you trying to rent to? The unemployed? If it's this difficult to get initial contact with you, what's going to happen if I encounter a problem with my place? Who do you think pays your mortgage? Why doesn't anybody return my call? I give up. All of you suck.
—Going with a properly managed leasing agent
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Not enough doctors

Posted By on Mon, Apr 1, 2019 at 5:33 PM

We live in Nova Scotia where we have a medical school and not enough doctors. It is sickening to me to think I have wanted to become a doctor my whole life (one that remains in this province) and it is simply a matter of being able to afford to do it. Education for the guarantee of a doctor remaining in province seems like a good way to fix our situation.
—Wants to help
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Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Downward dog poop

Posted By on Tue, Mar 12, 2019 at 12:34 PM

Okay I get it. Our sidewalks are bullshit, blah blah six o'clock news, but when it comes to picking up the poop, most of us dog owners are creating new yoga poses over snow banks in order to be good citizens and pick up. So, when I see a chunk of snow atop a poop it irritates me: If you are gonna be jack ass and not pick up, fine. But don't try and be crafty about it.
—Just being a poophead
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Tuesday, January 22, 2019


Posted By on Tue, Jan 22, 2019 at 12:38 PM

Kijiji buyers are the MOST annoying motherfuckers on this planet. WHY the fuck can't you assholes read the instructions in the ad? It says call the number. Don't send me a million messages to my email. I'm not sitting at the computer all day playing with you fucking idiots. Call the number to pick up the item or fuck off. Secondly, when you fuckheads email me, "Hi im interested, is the item still available?" I always reply, "Yes! It is!" And then I never hear from you again. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? Why ask me if it's still available if you don't fucking want it? I have to sit around on the computer and keep checking for your response. So fucking annoying! You people make me sick. This shit is being sold at a bargain. If you don't wanna buy it, fuck the hell off and go pay full price at the mall.
—Pulling my ads before I pull out my hair
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Monday, January 14, 2019

Dogs and apartments don't mix

Posted By on Mon, Jan 14, 2019 at 1:50 PM

Let me preface this by saying I don't like dogs. I don't hate them—I grew up with them until I moved out—but, well, if I wanted to look after something obnoxiously energetic and desperate for attention, I'd have kids by now. That said, however, I hate it when people living in an apartment (call it a condo all you want, you owning it doesn't mean you aren't still sharing walls and ceiling and floor with strangers) buy a dog. Not because the dog annoys me personally, though they do, but because it's cruel to the animal and disrespectful to your neighbours.
When it comes to your neighbours, unless your dog is trained at the level of a professional service dog, they will bark and run around and just generally make a racket at some point or another when you don't want them to. This is bad when it's in the house next door; sharing a wall/floor/ceiling with it can be, and often is, even worse. As for the dog itself, dogs aren't meant to be kept in small spaces. Even keeping them in too small of a house can have them constantly over-energized without a proper yard or something for them to run in. Apartments are obviously even worse, unless you decide to buy out an entire floor of your building so your dog can have space. Taking them out for a half-hour or an hour walk isn't enough to burn all that energy off unless your dog is hella lethargic or just really old.
So even if you don't care about your neighbours, you should care about your dog. If you have a dog, buy or rent a house instead of a cramped 2-bedroom apartment downtown, and if you're planning on getting a dog while living in an apartment, don't! Not until you're ready to give them the space they need! Considering that a good number of dog owners treat their pets better than other humans, it baffles and infuriates me that this simple point of care is ignored by so many of them.
—Living with a pent-up pooch is no fun for anyone
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Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Holy fuck, Halifax, learn to read!

Posted By on Tue, Jan 8, 2019 at 12:23 PM

If a business puts a sign on their door that isn't a promotional poster of some kind, chances are they're trying to let you know something that will affect your shopping experience. For example, when a fast food restaurant has a sign on the door that says "No beef, only chicken and fish", that means they aren't selling beef products. Maybe if you would actually read the sign before placing an order for hamburgers, you wouldn't need to waste everyone's time asking for what isn't available. Seriously, it takes three seconds, less even, to read most notices of this sort. How lazy, unobservant, or just fucking stupid are you to not be able to see the note, read the note, and either fuck off or change your plans accordingly? I know fewer people read for pleasure than in the past, but come on. How hard is it to read 10 words meant to inform you? Smarten up Halifax!
—Sometimes I feel like the only literate person in this damn city
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Pull the fuck over!

Posted By on Tue, Jan 8, 2019 at 12:10 PM

Seriously, ambulances don't put on their lights and sirens for just anyone. If it's flashing and wailing, someone is going to die pronto unless they get the care they need. I sat for over a minute on a Sunday night as cars AND pedestrians blocked an ambulance with full lights and sirens! Do you understand the difference one minute makes to your life versus to the person in the back of the ambulance? Pull the fuck over! Stop fucking walking! Make fucking room!
—Wail me a river
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Monday, December 17, 2018


Posted By on Mon, Dec 17, 2018 at 5:11 PM

I thought paying five bucks for a cup of coffee in NYC was bad, until I came to your neighbourhood where they serve a $12 grilled cheese sandwich. No, I didn't order one as I'm over the age of ten—this was a special advertised outside of the eatery. You want $12 for two pieces of buttered Wonderbread and a slice of processed cheese? Seriously? I could buy a whole loaf of bread, a pack of cheese slices and a tub of butter for that! It is no surprise that a few weeks later there is a sign on the front door of said eatery that says, "We will be closing our shop soon". No kidding! Same goes for the hipster coffee shops that charge you eight bucks for an egg sandwich! I could get a big bagel sandwich with egg, sausage and cheese with a hashbrown and an extra large coffee for that price elsewhere. These shop owners need to get their head out the clouds. This ain't Hollywood or NYC! Don't even get me started on the used clothing consignment shops! 100 bucks for a pair of strangers' old stinky shoes? This is getting ridiculous. This isn't downtown. Lower your prices or go under!
—Home brew & garage croissants
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Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Dog Cultists

Posted By on Tue, Dec 4, 2018 at 4:19 PM

Look, I'm glad for you if a pet dog makes you happy. God bless if your computer wallpaper with pit bull photos in little digitally-edited Santa hats cheers you up. Good for you if owning a dog is what gets you up in the morning, but why must this societal attitude prevail that if you don't like dogs or aren't particularly swooning over every cute puppy photo or doggie adoption story you've got no soul? No, I'm not a heartless monster just because I asked you to pull your dog off me on Spring Garden Road yesterday, man. It's just that not even five minutes ago your beloved Fido was licking its own crotch and then tried to lick my hands—excuse me if I find that rather unappealing. No, my well-meaning colleague, I don't want your dog to eat off my plate when we have dinner tomorrow evening, nor do I want to help you start an awareness webpage because you want more research done into dogs suffering from PTSD. We don't even give our country's human veterans or victims of sexual assault the same level of attention as we do to "traumatized" animals, so why would I care if your "fur-baby" is scared of thunderstorms and you think it needs Prozac? Not everybody is as obsessed with dogs as others, and no, there's nothing wrong with not caring about dogs. That stunned face I get from people when I say "please pull your dog off me before I press charges," is both odd and rather frustrating. Of course it's not the dog's fault that it just got fur and slobber all over some stranger's clothes. It must be the random stranger's fault for not gushing over how cute it is and just accepting it as if it's okay.—Bone to pick
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Tuesday, October 16, 2018


Posted By on Tue, Oct 16, 2018 at 5:34 PM

Skateboarders, get off the sidewalks.
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Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Declawing is cruel

Posted By on Tue, Oct 2, 2018 at 11:39 AM

It baffles me that a notable number of cat owners have maimed their animal's feet to save their furniture, but that these same people are apparently were always either indifferent or oblivious to their house constantly being covered in cat shit. Yes, your cat walks into it's litter box and then walks around your house/ apartment. However, if anybody truly deserves to have their house covered in cat shit it's the morons that paid somebody to cut off their poor cat's toes to save their stupid couch!
—I'm so glad it's been banned
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Tuesday, September 11, 2018

List of HaliDudes with small penises

Posted By on Tue, Sep 11, 2018 at 12:11 PM

1. Show-offs of shitty cars with loud mufflers at all times of day. 2. Dudes with motorcycles speeding downtown with loud mufflers. Why, tho. 3. Dudes idling and revving engines near apartment buildings in the middle of the night. 4. Dudes shouting, roughhousing and trying to one-up each other outside of apartment buildings late at night.
Live like your parents would tell you to.
—So many bros for such a small town
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Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Treading waters lightly

Posted By on Tue, Sep 4, 2018 at 3:11 PM

To the lady who called me a bitch:

Do us dog people a favour and watch your mouth. You don't know my schedule, much less my dog's life, or my parents life, or when the dog was last at home. My dog was only left in the car for two minutes before you yelled at us and threatened to call the RCMP. He gets lots of love and attention and is walked daily. I make sure he gets fed and gets lots of water. He also gets play time and training time.

Listen, I know how he feels, but he was just out of the car a two minutes ago. So why not make our lives easier by putting a muzzle on your snout? Oh and I apologize for my loss of knowledge about legal rights, but where do you get off calling me a bitch, too?
—Total dog lover

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Vol 26, No 52
May 23, 2019

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