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Dating Pool

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Dear Fuckboys

Posted By on Sun, Jun 16, 2019 at 1:51 PM

If ya'll losers want to get some this spring fling season, get off Tinder and join the land of the living. Bring back chivalry and etiquette, the art of courtship. Carry yourselves with class. If you want to date me, you will need to ask me out on a date 48 hours in advance. So for a Saturday night date, you will need to ask me on or before Thursday. At which time, you should have a plan for said date, ie: dinner and a time in which you will be picking me up or meeting me at the restaurant (depending on how well I know you). Do not call me after 8pm on the evening that you would like to see me, because I won't even answer your call, let alone accept your request.

If by the third date, I have not received flowers, I will be cutting you loose.

You are not to be on your cell phone at all during our dates. Be present, be interesting. Don't talk about yourself the whole time either, you narcissists. Conversations should be give and take. Pay the dinner tab and at the end of the night, don't expect a payoff. You will be getting a peck if you're lucky. If I feel you're worthy of a second date, you better bring your A game. If you get to a third date, and get lucky, take yourself off dating sites and try to seek a commitment. Otherwise, I will assume you are a fuckboy and cut you loose.
—Miss Manners
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Monday, June 3, 2019

Waste of time

Posted By on Mon, Jun 3, 2019 at 1:05 PM

Why would you cheat on your girlfriend? Why would you do it for years? Did you seriously think she wouldn't find out? Did you think I wouldn't find out you were in a relationship? WTF. You got the best of both worlds: Nice girlfriend to go home to, cuddle with, cry to. And when she didn't provide, there I was. No more, you dirty dog. No wonder you didn't want to be in a relationship with me: You were already in one, you fuck nut. I'm sorry I didn't figure this out sooner and in turn, hope you're alone for the rest of your life.
Your ex side bitch
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Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Somehow still single

Posted By on Tue, Oct 16, 2018 at 5:19 PM

After reading "somehow still single," I wonder where women like her are. I enjoy bringing women candy and flowers, being well groomed and enjoying good company. I've been told Im good looking and in good shape and guess what? Single.
Somehow still single
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Monday, August 20, 2018

Free advice

Posted By on Mon, Aug 20, 2018 at 4:23 PM

Hello brothers/sisters/in between/up above/however you identify as. Don't do yoga with the girl you're dating unless you've already farted around one another. Peace be with you,
—Another name for a gamble
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Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Where oh where are the fellas who aren't afraid of commitment?

Posted By on Wed, Mar 7, 2018 at 4:10 PM

I haven't been in the dating game for five years and what a rude awakening—times have changed!! I feel like I am drowning in a hopeless pit of Haligonian men who can't even commit to a date let alone a relationship! It's so disheartening that this is the state of our society. Apparently even in their mid-30s these men can't get it together. —Single Now and Maybe Forever


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Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Online Dating How-To For Men (In a poem)

Posted By on Wed, Feb 14, 2018 at 9:30 AM

Where did all of the good women go?
That is the "nice guys'" repeating motto.
We are still here, I tell you true;
but nice is not how we shall see you.
We have grown up, looking for more,
but what we've found, we avoid for sure.
You might be great, but the problem, see,
is first impressions are the key.
So here is what I've found to be,
the most annoying to single ladies:

No written words, one single photo,
with a left swipe, that's where you'll go.
You've lots of friends, this I can see,
but group pics are no way to be,
my eye may catch, but in the end,
it could be you, or your best friend.
If I don't know, or cannot tell,
I'll soon give up: left swipe, farewell!
So dial it down to only one man
(preferably you. No catfish scam).
All us women love a pretty view,
So give us lots of pics to go through!

So now you have more than one pic
and it’s just you and you look slick,
there are more things you should consider
when choosing pics that will deliver.
We want to see the real you,
don't hide your face with angles, dude.
Stop with all the pictures of back tattoos,
please be in focus and not in costume.
We wish more smiles were on your face
and less sunglasses in every place
and no more shirtless bathroom pics,
no more bar photos with drunk chicks.

Are you trying to flip me the bird?
It is unclear and just absurd
and who is that child? Can you explain?
Shown only once, never mentioned again!?
It’s fine to say at a later date,
Just don’t show the kid, that would be great.
It’s cool that you go to the gym a lot
but cocky is how those pics come across.
I promise that we can see you’re fit,
no need to draw attention to it.

And please write something, ANYTHING will do!
Your profile helps us learn about you.
Say something relatable and true,
who knows? I could relate to it too.
But lying helps neither of us,
so don’t do that, it’s a big plus.
And keep it light and positive,
no one wants to talk when you’re negative.

It’s fine to start with a "Hello,"
show interest and conversations flow
but if it is not meant to be,
just say goodbye (and politely).
Don’t call me ugly, fat or rude,
don’t Casper me, like children do,
don’t make it harder than it has to be,
and try not to take it personally.
Dating is hard in a city this small,
it’s not Pokémon, you can’t catch us all.
We’re all still learning, this game is new
and harder than it should be, too.

You want respect, not to waste your time,
so give it back and don’t waste mine.
I know we’ll learn along the way,
so be honest and kind and seek what you say.
—Single Women Everywhere


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Tuesday, November 21, 2017

How to lose a guy in one day

Posted By on Tue, Nov 21, 2017 at 9:23 AM

The farts and feminism method.

Step 1:  Drink an entire bottle of cheap wine. The kind with high sulfur content.  Do not decant.
Step 2:  Invite your lover over for “Netflix and chill” approximately eight hours later.
Step 3:  By the time he arrives, the uncontrollable flatulence will have filled your apartment with a hotbox of unbearable rotten egg stank that no amount of air freshener or open windows could possibly clear.
Step 4:  Proceed to discuss an article you read about feminism.  Be sure to bring up the wage gap at least a couple of times!
Step 5:  Watch him struggle to come up with a reason he has to leave as he scrambles to the door, boner killed, never to be heard from again. —Oopsy


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Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Ramblings from a fat girl in a lonely dating world

Posted By on Wed, Nov 15, 2017 at 4:58 PM

When you're a plus-sized woman whose casual encounters numbers are a hell of a lot higher than the serious relationships score (and not by your choice), you begin to accept whatever you are able get out of the people that you're into, but claim they're only looking for something casual. Then a few weeks/months pass by and they’re in a serious relationship with some chick half your size. Sounds quite pathetic of me, I know. How’s that saying go? “You only accept the love you think you deserve”?

Well, girl, when the only form of love you’re getting is behind closed doors, you either need to deal with the emotional hurt and enjoy what you do get or sit alone in your bed for hours watching the same damn Netflix shows over and over again.

And when I say plus-sized, I'm not talking in the “big tits, big ass” way or even in the chubby in the right places, got a bit of a belly type. I'm talking chubby in all the "wrong" places, small tits, small ass, big belly type. Don’t get me wrong, I love the current body I have and I’m comfortable in my own skin and work towards being the best damn me I can be. But, there are still quite a few people who haven't been able to accept me for who I am. People that don't even play a part in my life, but feel the need they have to. Anyway, that's a whole other jar of pickles that doesn't need to opened right now.

I’m not saying that everyone has to be attracted to the plus-sized body type. We all have our own preferences, traits, interests that we look for in people. I would never think less of anyone that didn’t want to date me due to my body type, I’m sure there’s something about them that could be a deal breaker for me as well. What I'm talking about are the ones that are sexually attracted to you and have expressed and shown this, but are scared to admit it either themselves or others.So, they want to keep you as their dirty little secret. Whatever the reasoning behind it, it doesn’t feel too damn good.

The only explanation I've been able to come up with is that, of course, they’re not going to want to show off someone like me to their friends and family. Most people consider their partner as a type of ‘prize’ for all to see. Especially in heterosexual relationships, women are famous for being the ‘pretty thing' on the man's arm. Well, when the only 'pretty thing' the mass majority of people will see on your girl is her personality and maybe some of her facial features. You don’t get very far.

I know some of you could be thinking “Wow, that sucks. People shouldn’t care what others think if they’re into someone,” cliché saying, etc, etc. But let's get real, people. Talk is cheap. I have been in the dating world too long to try to hide behind it any longer. Sure, it’s gotten a lot better over the years. People are definitely more accepting and open than they used to be, but it’s still a mess out there.

So, for all of you who have fell victim to this: You’re not alone. For all of you who have just realized how you might be making people feel, go suck an egg. You knew what you were doing, no one can be that oblivious. —Fatty With No Daddy


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Tuesday, September 26, 2017

You're 87 of my 99 problems

Posted By on Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 10:16 AM

My ex is in town right now. I'm torn between not wanting to see him and wanting to go full Beyonce on his ass. —At least Jay-Z apologized
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Monday, April 3, 2017

Attention Halifax Grindr Users

Posted By on Mon, Apr 3, 2017 at 9:56 AM

confusing-heart.jpg

WTF is wrong with you?

Photoless profiles: The stigma surrounding gay men cruising for sex in Halifax is the reason for this. God forbid that that gay men have sex, let alone anonymous sex, let alone sex with multiple partners. You may only do that in Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver.

Headless profiles: These brave souls have chosen to advertise that their bodies having sex including anonymous sex and with multiple partners.

Profile pics of you and a chick: I heard you. She is your friend. Do not have any gay male friends? These chaps are not looking for sex—period. As a result, they are permitted to post a face pic.

No age: How do I know if you're 18 or 80? Not only did you not post a profile picture, you excluded your age. Like Ivory soap being 99.44% pure, there is a 99.44% chance that these guys are no longer in their 20s or 30s. Is this reverse ageism? Be proud of the number of years you spent on this Earth and be proud of every grey hair you have.

No distance: Some might argue that this is a moot point. Given I do not drive, it wouldn't be most helpful to know ahead of time that you are a mile or more away. I'm probably not going to travel more than that distance so with a simple option click your time and my time are saved. We now have more time for tiresome searches and 20 questions.

Incomplete/missing profile text: I don't care if you don't write anything. I don't know if you are a top, bottom or vers. I do care to know if you are looking for "right now" (as I am). Again, it comes back to saved time, tiresome searches and endless questions.

Haughty/rude/judgemental profile text: Yes, I realize that you do not want to have anonymous sex. Yes (to avoid argument), sex is bad when you live your life in a heterosexual archetype.

Snapchat filter pictures: That cute 19 year old has already done it. And for tiresome years. Don't do what Donny Don't does.

No replies: If you do get a reply and it's not a sarcastic fuck off, you are doing really well. We may not be each other's cup of tea but why did you throw out the lessons your mother taught you? Yes please. No thank you. You can't believe how easy it is to type that.

Halifax Grindr users think that because they are behind an app, they are free to be as nasty as they wish. My suggestion to you is just grow the fuck up. —Unashamed





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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

This is why you're single

Posted on Tue, Jan 24, 2017 at 4:00 PM

flick.jpg

Bestie, I don't want to hear it anymore. You went on about being tired of dating douchebags and being single. Everyone in our group is coupled and you're solo at 38, and that bugs you. Ever wonder why you're single?

You are too picky! You just stopped seeing this really sweet 35-year-old man because he didn't make enough money and had no goals! You have a business degree and work in a management position at a certain large financial institution while he works as a janitor. When you found out that he's always broke at the end of the month, you asked him if he had plans to go back to school and find something better. When he told you no, you told him it wouldn't work out. Yes, you make more money than him. But what's wrong with you, the woman, being the breadwinner?! It's 2017, for fuck's sakes, time to evolve!

My sister and I have known him for many years and I can tell you, he is the most sweetest, caring, sensitive guy you would ever want to meet. And so what if he's not, and likely never will be, making as much? He's a nice guy! Better than being with some asshole! Also, it's not like he doesn't have a job at all!

So he might not be able to afford what you can, he might not be as financially/economically successful as you are, but he can offer this: love, emotional support, his kind nature, his company and his arms wrapped around you on the couch after you've had a tough day at work.

That's really what you should look for in a partner, not a high income! Some of those career-guys you've dated were the biggest jerks and made your life Hell! Money isn't everything and I reckon you're going to be single well into your 40s if you don't eventually learn that life lesson. –Personality > Money any day in my books!

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Saturday, December 3, 2016

I Can Haz Date?!

Posted on Sat, Dec 3, 2016 at 4:00 AM

If you're a 30-something female, how do you go about meeting a decent dude these days? I'm an open-minded, decent looking gal with a good job, my own place, awesome friends, and a really supportive and loving family. I'm not looking for Prince Charming, just a solid dude that has his head on straight. I don't so much care what his job is, so long as he's happy and fulfilled, and I'd like to think, based on my dating history, that I'm not shallow. I'm not looking for someone to complete me, my life is pretty great, but it'd be cool to find a partner to share in some of these experiences. All of that said, I'm in no rush, but holy frick, I can't even get myself a decent date these days! It seems like all anybody wants to do is "talk" or "hang" or whatever variation of being a flakey shithead you can imagine. Is it too much to ask to meet a dude who isn't too busy trying to keep his options open that he forgets to treat you with respect and kindness? Is the old saying true? Are the good ones really all gone? —Single and Failing to Mingle
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Friday, December 2, 2016

I just want to date one person at a time, is that a crime?

Posted on Fri, Dec 2, 2016 at 4:00 AM

broken-heart.jpg
I'm in no way interested in settling down at the moment, but I'm also not interested in sleeping around or dating multiple people at once. Why is it so hard to find people in this city who feel the same? I understand that monogamy isn't the only thing out there and I absolutely respect polyamory, but I've tried it and I know it's not for me. It just feels like suddenly this is the only dating style in this city. Well, either that or Tinder-brainwashed dudes who run the other way as soon as you show them any emotion other than lust. What gives? —Monogamous Minority
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Friday, November 18, 2016

A Vile Little Clown

Posted on Fri, Nov 18, 2016 at 4:00 AM

This bitch isn’t about any of the recent clown stalking incidents, but rather about a sleazy little two-faced louse of a bookkeeper who pretended to befriend me while seducing my wife. This little churl invited us to his home on two occasions, introducing us to his devoted 3rd wife. Although I am offended by this vile little clown’s deception, the trail of betrayal against his family (past and current spouses plus children) is most deplorable. This boy is a serial sleaze who is morally bankrupt, and it is only a matter of time before he sadly craps the bed with his current wife and children. So, be warned of the Vile Little Clown Bookkeeper. He’ll eventually reap what he sows (karma is a bitch), but in the meantime don’t be duped! —Alerted and Deployed
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Tuesday, November 15, 2016

My brother is friend zoned yet again!

Posted on Tue, Nov 15, 2016 at 4:00 AM

My younger brother is the sweetest guy you'll ever meet and he works really hard, but can't seem to get a girlfriend. Instead women either just want him as a friend or a casual hookup. This is to the shallow woman who just recently rejected him: You went on five dates with him and then told him it wasn't going to work out and that you just wanted to fuck in the meantime. My brother expressed frustration to me and said you told him you two weren't compatible. I facebook messaged you to try to get the detailed reason why: "He's 33 and has been working the same old job since high school. I need someone with goals and a future. He could at least go back to school and take a trade or something..." What goals are you going on about?! He works, doesn't he?! He's happy working at the retail chain he's been at and he puts in a lot of hours so he sure as hell is not lazy. He has no interest in going back to school - it was never his thing. Just because YOU went to Uni and have a career doesn't make you any better of a person than him. Not to mention how nice he is! You don't come by very many nice guys these days, you know. He was very hurt to the point that he was in tears because he really thought you liked him and it was going to go somewhere. But I told him what a bullet he dodged - a shallow, money-obsessed bullet who's going to end up either alone or with an asshole. But hey, said asshole makes more money though and that's all that counts, right? Have fun when your future rich husband leaves you for someone half your age when he hits his mid life crisis - by then my brother will likely have found a woman who appreciates him. —Older sis tired of women's bullshit
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Vol 27, No 12
August 15, 2019

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