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Etiquette, please

Monday, January 28, 2019

To the farter at the gym

Posted By on Mon, Jan 28, 2019 at 5:17 PM

Not to sound like a bro, but could I kindly ask that when I am doing my morning exercises at the gym that you not fart near the weights? As you may or may not know, breathing is a huge part in getting those "gains" and...yeah breathing that is not pleasant.

I would like to point out that it's a normal function of the body, but I mean to be honest, it really smelled like doo-doo. Time and place for everything.

Thank you.
—R Kray

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Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Please don't spit on the sidewalk

Posted By on Tue, Oct 9, 2018 at 2:46 PM

To the young man standing outside the barbershop, smoking a joint and coughing up several (seven actually) unique balls of gob from your throat and projecting them across the pavement toward the bus stop where I was standing tonight, I'd just like to let you know that you are not cool. In fact, you are so gross I nearly vomited. On the last gob, I couldn't help emitting a little "Ugh" sound, and when you looked over, I told you how much I felt like vomiting. You cheerfully replied "it's only spit, dear." No it fucking wasn't. It was half the contents of your diseased lungs and it was so horrid and antisocial. Next time, spit AWAY from people. Thank you.
—Spitting mad
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Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Simple sidewalk etiquette

Posted By on Wed, Sep 12, 2018 at 5:04 PM

1. If you are walking in a group, don't spread out to take up the entire goddamn sidewalk—especially when you see someone walking toward you. It won't kill you to stop talking for 10 seconds and walk in single file to get out of the way so other people aren't forced off the sidewalk.
2. If you're walking alone, don't weave back and forth across the entire sidewalk. Someone might want to try to pass you and we can't do that if you keep meandering randomly from side to side in front of us. Unless you're absolutely fucking shitfaced, there's no reason for it. And speaking of passing...
3. Just like in a car, if someone behind you speeds up to pass you, don't speed up to match them. I know it's kind of a Nova Scotia tradition, but it's not a race. Some people are gonna walk faster than you. Get over it and let them walk by.
Done being run off the sidewalk
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Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Birthday blues

Posted By on Tue, Jun 19, 2018 at 9:23 AM

Why do you bring up my birthday and my age every time I see you?  It isn’t just cruel  but also weird and just plain bad manners. Stop being such a passive-aggressive bully. —IB

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Monday, May 28, 2018

Movie theatre etiquette

Posted By on Mon, May 28, 2018 at 4:26 PM

I hate the movie theatre rocker seats! I’m tall and I like my kneecaps, so when you sit your fat ass down in front of me, don’t throw yourself in the seat. Gently sit down and do NOT rock on! It’s not a frickin’ metal concert! —G. Rant

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Friday, May 18, 2018

Bus etiquette

Posted By on Fri, May 18, 2018 at 1:49 PM

If you would like your bus to be on time, don't be a part of the problem that causes delays! There are clear instructions posted everywhere in the bus to EXIT AT THE REAR DOOR. Each time a passenger exits at the front, it makes the people wanting to get on the bus have to wait. Also, DON'T STAND IN THE REAR DOORWAY!  This, naturally, does not pertain to the elderly, mothers with strollers and handicapped passengers. —Rolling My Eyes

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Friday, February 23, 2018

Get headphones like the rest of us

Posted By on Fri, Feb 23, 2018 at 9:30 AM

To the dudes at a north end cafe blasting mostly shitty hip hop remixes on their laptops. I don't go blasting my music/ tv shows/ movies what have you in cafes and restaurants...know why? Because it's rude. Not everybody wants to hear your music blasting throughout the cafe. Don't think so? How would you like it if I started blasting my pop favourites, my ’90s jams, my hospital dramas, my favourite Disney theme songs what have you. Before you go thinking you have a free-standing entitlement to play shit from your laptop remember you would probably be pissed if everybody else acted on that entitlement, so learn some damn manners and get headphones like the rest of us you obnoxious jackasses. —Learn The Social Contract of Cafe Etiquette


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Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Chatting me up at the gym

Posted By on Tue, Feb 13, 2018 at 10:05 AM

We attend the same exercise class. I'm not there to chat with men I don't know, and my body language would make that pretty clear. Weekly, you make odd approaches where you come up and brag about your accomplishments. A new and unappreciated technique of yours is to comment on sections of the class where I seemed to get tired or modify. MY new approach is to try and keep my head down and avoid all eye contact, but even that fails me.

Here is what I struggle with—your small talk may seem polite enough to you, and you/people may think I was rude if I made a big public scene where I told you to take a hike. But actually, you are persistently making me uncomfortable, and THAT is rude. Up until now it has been my own fault that I have selected “not seeming rude” over my own comfort. Those days are over. Consider yourself warned. —Eyes On Your Own Mat


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Monday, December 18, 2017

Bearing your sole

Posted By on Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 4:31 PM

WE really should be thanking YOU. You know us (users of the scenic fifth floor reading room at the public library) and our repressed sexual proclivities (foot fetishes) even better than we know ourselves.  You know that we are all just sitting there pretending to read, but deep down we are DYING to see your bare-ass feet up on the coffee table. We await the moment you regularly come in, take off your shoes and socks, and unleash your sweaty man-hooves up on and all over the communal furniture, with  bonus titillation for those of us sexually aroused by foot fungus and general dude-foot gnarliness. Everyone who uses that reading room loves it, and what may seem like collective retching or an oppressive wave of utter disgust is actually all of us orgasming in unison. I’ve arranged for you to get the key to the city for your dedicated public service. —Repressed Foot Fetishist



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Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Hydrophobic City of Lakes

Posted By on Tue, Nov 28, 2017 at 4:30 PM

I can only assume that the average Dartmouth apartment does not include luxuries like running water or laundry rooms. What else might explain the overpowering nostril assault of armpit, crotch, stale cigarettes, and weed wafting from the masses on public transit past the bridge?  C'mon Dartmouth dwellers, let's have a personal hygiene moment every now and again—can’t let those Haligonians think we have no pride! —A Rare Bathing Dartmouthian


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Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Excuse me, excuse you

Posted By on Tue, Nov 7, 2017 at 4:39 PM

If a men glances once through a crack in a public men's room bathroom stall door to check out the situation, OK…Twice, just double-checkin', forgivable…but a third time! Gimme a fuckin' break bruv! And hey, I got a question for y'all readin’...If and when this shit does occur does not the man who was in there first and sitting reserve the right to say “What's up!?” or “Keep your eyes to yourself.” —WL


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Monday, October 30, 2017

There's a time and place for that sort of thing

Posted By on Mon, Oct 30, 2017 at 10:54 AM

I just used the public washroom at the Alderney branch library. The ladies’ room is small with two toilet stalls.  To the woman in the other stall:  it is incredibly rude and a violation of people's privacy to carry on a loud, detailed cell phone call while having a copious pee, wipe, 'n flush—with me stuck on the other side of the partition needing to do the same. Your behaviour is astonishingly vulgar and disrespectful of any other persons using a public space for a private function.  Were you raised in a slum? —Library Lover


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Thursday, October 26, 2017

The movie theatre is not your fucking living room

Posted By on Thu, Oct 26, 2017 at 4:03 PM

When did people decide it was OK to talk at full volume in movie theatres? Are you aware of how whispering works? Why did you spend 18 fucking dollars to see a movie in IMAX and then talk through the whole fucking thing? And did you think the 100 other people you were sharing the space with paid to see Blade Runner with exclusive commentary by two idiots who can't follow the plot? Are you so self absorbed you are not even aware of other people or do you just not give a shit?

I can't remember the last time I went to a movie and there wasn't at least two of you ignorant, selfish, inconsiderate assholes in the crowd. Movies have gotten expensive. I want to enjoy it in peace. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. —Quiet Viewer


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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Move, bitch, swim out the way

Posted By on Tue, Oct 24, 2017 at 9:33 AM

Before I began swimming at the gym pool, I read the rules and policies. Clearly I'm the only one because most of you bozos didn't. Getting in a lane designated for laps and just floating there in the goddamn way instead of being in any of the huge open swim areas, putting yourselves in the path of oncoming swimmers, not circle-swimming, being a fucking nuisance. And if you bring your kids they're twice as bad. I don't understand how this many people can ignore signage or not follow the guidelines. It's a fun place and all but how can you consistently be this friggin' oblivious? Share the space! Jeez! —Mad Mermaid





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Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Rude dude

Posted By on Tue, Oct 10, 2017 at 4:41 PM

Hey! Yeah so you work at a brewery bar or whatever...that doesn't mean you have the right to go to whatever bar you want in Halifax and act like you own the place. Don't talk over bands, you dick! —You're Not Funny


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Vol 26, No 47
April 18, 2019

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