Hey all you hipsters and newbie advice columnists! Did you know weed isn't a new thing? Did you know the black market has—and always will—outshine and out supply legal stores? The legal stores can't even keep weed in stock and its shitty product at that. What, the cannabis store charges $75 for crap ditch weed with a cool name, when I can high-end stuff of the same weight for $40 delivered to my door? Within an hour?

Your babble are an indication you know nothing about weed except how to water it and get weed crumbs in your man bun. Get a life and catch up or get lost! Weed has been around since you great granny passed away.
—Stoner from way back

Page 3: Editor says New Year's resolutions are an industry so there will be no wellness warriors in this issue that feed off your dollars of self-inadequacy.

Page 14: An article which features a wellness witch doctor who charges people for nutritional advice you can get for free, telling us to eat a big ass bowl of crap.
—Stop normalizing witch doctors

This must be the third week now I saw an ad in a certain weekly publication that was placed upside down. For fuck’s sake, fix it or fire your proofreader! And please, don’t tell me it was requested that way to better attract readers attention. Sure, you got my attention, but I’m not turning the fuckin’ rag upside down to read it. It’s a lame and uncreative tactic that grates on my OCD. Upright it now—the coast is clear!

Could the Bitch who posts the Bitches do their damn job and post the new bitches already? Tired of coming here for the same old crap! Update your shit!!!
—Ex-bitcher

Hey The Coast, since you took away our anonymous accounts commenting on everything has gone way down. I often type a comment, only to run into the "log in with facebook or twitter" window, and then close it with disgust, abandoning my input. This sucks and I find it stifling.—Anonymous

The Coast has approved two bitches threatening harm to animals, a crow and a cat specifically.

Shut the fuck up you city fucks. Without that cat and crow you'd be overrun by rats.

If I ever see you harm either, you will have hell to pay.
—Kill All Humans

The councilor is wrong.
You aren't satire.
You are self parody. And have been for quite some time.
—Chesty Puller

Stop writing your own Bitches in a vain attempt to remain relevant. You are not an alternative newspaper you are a vessel for advertisements. —Print The Truth

Thanks for the straight dope about the "consent" workshop. I trucked all the way downtown only to find that I needed to register and pay $20. Who's got an extra $20? I sure don't. But how could I know the workshop was for rich people when you didn't put all the details in your paper? (No, I can't afford the internet either.) I think in the future I'll save myself some time and bus fare by not reading your paper at all. —Tired of Elitist Shitheads

Going through the event listings in the Coast and realizing that 95 percent of the listings do not list the times of the events. How am I supposed to go to the event without knowing the time of the event? The Coast should refuse to print any event from organizers that actually don't want people going to their events. —Guy Trying To Make Plans