Thursday, March 14, 2013

Oh, love

Posted on Thu, Mar 14, 2013 at 4:51 PM

I've been reading these since the Pssst days, and I have always secretly hoped that someday I would log on to find that someone is admiring me from afar. But it hasn't happened, so I'll just unload all my baggage here instead. Years ago, I went through a difficult time and became a hardened person, incapable of loving anyone because I didn't love myself and I couldn't get past the pain and anger in my mind enough to feel anything else, or do anything positive with my life. Yet, somehow it was never hard to find love. I didn't deserve it, and I always ended up hurting someone, and yet they still wanted to love me. Now, I've been softened by single motherhood, humbled by love at its most powerful, and am finally proud of who I am and what I have accomplished as a mother and a person. I love myself, I love my beautiful child, and I love my life, but I'm missing something.

I want to love, and be loved in return. I'm smart, genuinely funny, affectionate, nuturing, and forgiving almost to a fault. On top of all of that, I'm an awesome cook. Maybe it's karma for the way I have hurt some really amazing boyfriends from my past, but now that I am a person who deserves love, I can't seem to even find that beginning connection with a person who fits into my life.

I feel like I don't want anything unreasonable: -Someone who would rather sit home and watch a movie while getting tipsy on a bottle of wine, than go out with a huge group to some overcrowded bar. -Someone who is thoughtful, and appreciates that I'm thoughtful. -Someone who knows how it feels to be played for a fool, and who would never inflict those feelings on another. -Someone who doesn't see my child, the most precious person in the world to me, as baggage. I am a strong woman who is a great mother, doing it all myself, not relying on welfare or waiting for a man to rescue me from poverty. -Someone who understands deep, visceral emotional pain. The kinds of memories that make you feel like the anger will burn a hole right through your chest, but manage to not let it rule their life or limit their personal successes and growth. Someone who doesn't have that element of being an old soul would never understand me, or why I sometimes get lost in my own head.

I want someone in my life who completes the picture, someone to rub my back at the end of the day and reassure me that things are ok, and that I'm not doing so bad. A partner in crime, a best buddy. Someone who not only accepts my quirks and oddities, but loves them.

Someone who is infatuated enough with me to post romantic inside jokes on a message board perhaps?

Does love like that even exist for a single mom? Or am I going to spend the rest of my life being treated like damaged goods by assholes who think they are doing me a favor by taking me on the occasional date? I've watched too many single moms settle for jerks just to get help with the rent, and I'd rather be alone forever than settle for less than me and my little one deserve.. —M. McP

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