Monday, July 15, 2013

back to a single scoop

Posted on Mon, Jul 15, 2013 at 3:57 PM

I love you. Illness would never faze me - I told you as much many times. I meant it. I did want to know everything because without knowing I couldn't help. Id be with you by your side to do what I could to make you feel better and help you in any way I could. I'm pretty sure I was and I hope I did. Your beauty and your body are inspiring, your thoughts alluring. I could spend weeks with nothing more than you and a bed for sustenance. I thought we could have a good thing, you and me. You even accepted my +1 as fam and that at the end was the most confusing of all given the eventual situation. I couldn't help feeling like there was something else, something unsaid. In so many actions or lack thereof, words unsaid by you I expected. The lack of touch. I want you to know I'm heartbroken. I wanted you so bad and I just wanted you to feel the same way about me. I wanted to share myself completely with you and only you. I know you never wanted marriage and I should have realized right then and there I would never get ( and shouldn't have expected) a total commitment from you. I'm really bad at reading between the lines. But since you just weren't feeling it I figure it was best to extricate myself. I feel crappy enough normally I can't risk opening myself up further and giving more trust when it leaves me feeling so vulnerable. I haven't ever been with someone like you and I know I'll never meet another you. That will haunt me forever. I really wish things had been different and that we could be open and celebrate what we had together instead of it being some sort of secret. That ate away at me daily and I couldn't help take it as a slight. I was so proud to be with you I just wanted to show you off... I hoped it would be the same with me from you. But either that didn't fit into your plans, wasn't convenient, or uncomfortable. And uncomfortable and anxious was how it made me feel. I will miss so many things and think about you almost every moment. Its torture. Am I stubborn? Probably. Maybe just paranoid. Perhaps I should have brought up those things one at a time when they happened I'm sorry my communication skills sometimes borderline on retarded. I just kept hoping things would change and I'd feel that spark from you again... I know I had it for you every moment of every day and I am really sad when I think of what could've been over time with such promising if not unconventional beginnings. I always will think of you and can't forget you. Take care of OM and I hope you find what it is you are truly looking for. You are beautiful inside and out and whomever you are with will be very fortunate indeed. Love always regardless of circumstances. —manka

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