ASK HOLE: Help! I need a last-minute Halloween costume

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Comedian, musician and overworked student Cheryl Hann answers all of Halifax’s most-pressing social dilemmas. - JESSICA HARTJES
  • JESSICA HARTJES
  • Comedian, musician and overworked student Cheryl Hann answers all of Halifax’s most-pressing social dilemmas.

Dear Ask Hole,
Halloween is upon us, and I still don’t have a costume. It seems that I’m the only one in my friend group who leaves Halloween to the last minute, panics and goes as a potato. I really want to wow my friends this year, but I’m fresh out of ideas. Do you have any costume recommendations for uncreative folk like me?
Signed,
Without Ideas, Costumes Can Aggravate Neuroses



Dear WICCAN,
I LOVE Halloween. Every year I have one million costume ideas and am bummed I can only use one. So it gives me great joy to present you this list of possible costumes, which I have divided into three categories: Funny, sexy and scary. Hopefully, there’s something here for you. If not, feel free to toilet paper my house. I think those are the Halloween rules.

FUNNY COSTUMES
A lot of comedy costumes are rooted in the only type of humour everyone definitely likes and is never annoyed by—puns. So, I’ve put together a couple of punny costumes that are guaranteed to get a big laugh (or at least a reasonably sized groan) from your pals.

Jerk Chicken: Instead of being a COOKED chicken prepared with Caribbean spices, you’re a LIVE chicken who is a bit of an ass! It’s great. It’s simple, yet sophisticated—OK, please don’t go as this. I’m mad at myself for even thinking of this. Puns truly suck. Let’s try again.

(My) Sugar Daddy: You wear a moustache, throw a bag of sugar in a baby carrier and boom: Sugar Daddy. But, if you want to play it like MY dad, you carry the sugar around for a biiiit, then leave it on its own for 26 years so you can start a new family in Alberta. LOL I’m laughing already.

SEXY COSTUMES
Funny not your thing? Then why not sex it up! Let’s not forget that Halloween was originally created so that ancient Celts could get laid...or scare away harvest ghosts...I’m not sure.

Sexy Principal: For this costume, you need a picture of my Grade 7 principal, Alice McMillan. Copy it exactly. Short, bristly grey hair, large glasses, mole, ass that won’t quit and has tenure so it also can’t be fired. If you see me, tell me to stop running in the hall. What you won’t realize is that I’m running away from my lesbian crush on you, which scares me because I’m VERY Christian.

Sexy Wage Gap: Dress half of your body as a white man and the other half as literally anyone else and play up the “subtle” differences. Perhaps white man half-drinks Grey Goose while the other drinks Russian Prince. Perhaps non-white man half-experiences significantly more stress, is less likely to take time off, and is constantly “leaning in.” Get creative! Also, both sides should be wearing hot pants. That’s what makes it sexy.

SCARY COSTUMES
Alright, time for the good stuff. Halloween is all about freaking out your friends and I’ve come up with a few costumes that will help you achieve iconic ghoul status on a budget. Hope you like nightmares!

Student Loan Statement: Grab a sheet of Bristol board, a few markers and this costume is ready to go. When your friends are least expecting it—say, when they’re eating dinner, or feel like maybe their lives are finally on the right track—jump out from a dark corner and scream, “DON’T FORGET ABOUT THIS $40,000, YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP!” The goal is to remind them that their degree means nothing and they’re locked in a state of constant financial panic. Guaranteed scare!

Halifax Property Developer: For this spooky costume you need a suit, a confused, benign expression and a small model of the city that you stomp all over and re-populate with unfinished buildings that make no sense. If anyone asks what you’re doing, push those cumbersome wads of cash deeper into your pockets, shrug and whine, “I’m helping the invigorate the downtown cooooore!”

Happy Halloween!

———

Opinionated is a rotating column by Halifax writers featured regularly in The Coast. The views published are those of the author. Send your 
awkward social questions to 
askhole@thecoast.ca and we might answer it in a future column.

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