What up, sports fans? Welcome back to day four of our annual March Madness showdown, where this year we're pitting the best in canker-sore-causers against each other in what will be an ultimate battle of sweet versus salty. If chips do not win this thing, I will drown myself in Big 8 diet cola.
Confused? Disgusted? Hungry? Here's a recap of the tournament thus far. And below, behold our completely unscientifically ranked bracket. (WHERE THE HECK IS DILL PICKLE???? THE HUMANITY!)
Before we get to today's match-ups, allow me to update you on the serious snacking went down this weekend. In quite possibly the upset of the century, the green machine, Mountain Dew, took down its snobby cousin Pepsi by a single vote. The Dew did it! Generation Next? More like Generation NEVER.
In contrast, it was a complete blowout on the chips side, with Crunchy Cheetos (better known as dense cheezies to we cheese stick connoisseurs) defeating the equally delicious Funyuns 91-9. Are Funyuns the same as those fluffy, highly addictive Sour Cream and Onion Rings? If not I take back that whole equally delicious thing. Anyway, my money's on Crunchy Cheetos taking this whole thing.
Now. Today. Potentially the most exciting one so far. On the drinks side we have a reenactment of your fifth birthday party, minus the gifts. Thirteenth seed Grape takes on fourth-ranked Root Beer. I'm predicting the latter on this one. Not only does it have better float capabilities, it won't leave you with a pop moustache and frankly grape soda is nasty—it's basically carbonated cough syrup. Anyway, go forth and prove me wrong.
On the chippies court, we have what I see as another blow out in the making, though my colleague Stephanie "Munchos" Johns would disagree. You're going to need your wet naps for this one. Canada's best invention, the fourth seeded Ketchup, takes on the chip impostor and 13th seed Munchos. The "original potato crisp" was designed to be a thicker potato chip and a Pringles competitor—the featherlight "crisps" are bubbly and nearly transparent and basically like eating air. Really salty, greasy air. Ketchup chips are a national treasure. The end.