March Madness 2015

Friday, April 10, 2015

March Madness 2015: Root Beer wins it all

Soft drinks go hard

Posted By on Fri, Apr 10, 2015 at 4:53 PM

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There you have it, folks. After weeks of heated battles, and some lacklustre ones, too, we reveal the March Madness champion for 2015. The salty snacks couldn't fight the fizzy power of pop and we were as shocked as you to learn that chips didn't take home the trophy. What gives?

Last night, in a poorly attended showdown, Root Beer—which dug its way to the finals from a fourth ranking—took down seventh seed Party Mix. Even five chips combined couldn't defeat its mean mug. It was an anticlimactic final, but a deserving win, I guess. Really, my feelings about this drink can only be summed up in a poem.

R-really foamy
O-origin = sassafras
O-obviously add ice cream
T-triumphant
B-burp-inducer
E-effervescent
E-easily the best pop
R-reigning champ

That's it until next year, sports fans. Time to hit the links.

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Thursday, April 9, 2015

March Madness Day 16: Root beer vs. Party Mix

Her?

Posted By on Thu, Apr 9, 2015 at 4:05 PM


Last match up, gang. And I can't say this is the club soda vs. Doritos bloodbath I once dreamed of. Party mix turned crunchy Cheetos into mere bottom of the bag dust with 57 percent of the vote. Party mix? Even with those pretzels? Root beer burst Dr. Pepper's bubble with 59 percent of the vote. Root beer is passable, I'll give it that (nothing else makes a float seem like a normal thing to drink). But let's be honest here, both these snacks are kind of the edible equivalent of Ann Veal. (ps video is long but worth it).

The Ultimate Ann Veal (Her?) Supercut from Flavorwire on Vimeo.

Tomorrow we find out the winner and but we owe it to ourselves today to hit up our local pharmacy and try this pairing as it was apparently meant to be consumed: together.

Then they can battle it out in your stomach much like on this poll.

What a ride it's been. Look how far we've come!

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Wednesday, April 8, 2015

March Madness Day 15: Root Beer vs Dr. Pepper and Crunchy Cheetos vs Party Mix

Rate my MD

Posted By on Wed, Apr 8, 2015 at 3:27 PM


This is it. In what is arguably the most important day of this thing, the final four, you'll decide the fate of The Coast's March Madness final, choosing the ultimate chip flavour, and the ulitmate pop flavour. All blame will be placed firmly on you if Dr. freakin' Pepper wins. Confused about where all my passionate feels are coming from? Read up on the whole game here.

marchmadness-final4.jpg

As you can clearly see, some impaired decision making went down yesterday. Stupid idiot Dr. Pepper (sixth rank) beat out Cream Soda AKA Dream Soda AKA eighth place unicorn juice. And crusty old pretzels beat Cheese Puffs. OK, Party Mix feat. pretzels beat Cheese Puffs. It was a seventh place versus sixth place, and a tight 19-13 match, so all's fair in love and snack, I guess.

Today sees aforementioned fool Dr. Pepper—who I'm totally going to slay on Rate My MD after this—taking on nature's candy, brown sugar and fourth seed Root Beer. HOPE FLOATS, y'all! I'm rooting for the beer.

The swan song on the chip side is a kind of silly one. It comes down to third seed Crunchy Cheetos on their own, or mixed in with a bunch of other delicious stuff in seventh seed Party Mix. Are you a conservative Cheetos eater or an adventurous one?

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Tuesday, April 7, 2015

March Madness Day 14: Dr. Pepper vs. Cream Soda & Cheese Puffs vs. Party Mix

POP AND CHIPS STILL GOIN'

Posted By on Tue, Apr 7, 2015 at 4:42 PM


Guys, I am very excited for today's matchup but also still reeling over yesterday's results! This is what March Madness is all about! See?

bracketrev-1.jpg

Before we proceed, let's debrief. My two favourite babies, root beer and ginger beer had to battle it out. It was really hard to watch! Like two kittens playfighting! Root beer, the slightly more down to earth beer, won out over my personal favourite ginger beer with 59 percent of the vote. Wow. Goodbye ginger beer, it hurts to see you go almost as much as it hurts to drink your sweet and spicy contents.

While I'm already crying, let's discuss the chip category. Doritos—my moon and stars—LOST to crunchy Cheetos and you know what the worst part is? When I mulled over this seemingly insane occurrence, I sort of got it!! If this isn't a huge betrayal I don't know what is, so I immediately threw on the hairshirt and crucified myself (#topical).

It's hard to write now what with the stigmata so I'll make this short. Vote on today's brutal match, Dr. Pepper (spicy, cherry-flavoured, bizarre) and cream soda (vanilla, candy-like, pink or white).

And/or chips: Cheese puffs (light-as-air, nostalgic, comforting) versus Party Mix (diverse, could potentially have cheese puffs IN there, but pretzels)

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Monday, April 6, 2015

March Madness Day 13: Ginger Beer vs Root Beer and Doritos vs Crunchy Cheetos

A fight is brewing

Posted By on Mon, Apr 6, 2015 at 2:01 PM


Just as the chocolate-induced Easter acne begins to appear, here we are to worsen it with the remaining eight competitors of this sweet and salty tournament. The bests of the bracket are in battle mode all week, and by Friday we'll have a March Madness 2015 champion. Who deserves the crown—Ginger Beer, Root Beer, Dr. Pepper or Cream Soda? Or will it be Doritos, Crunchy Cheetos, Cheese Puffs or Party Mix. Two lessons we've learned thus far—fake cheese flavour kicks ass when it comes to chips, and guts win over glory in this junk competition.

Look at this beautiful thing!

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Day 12's match ups had the entire weekend to air out their differences and we still wound up with a tie. Eighth seed Cream Soda and 10th ranked 7-up still sit at 18-18 as I type these words, and as my fellow sportscaster says tie=ladies' choice and this lady is all about the Cream Soda, so that settles that. In chips, literal mixed bag Party Mix, a seventh place chip, beat mixed flavour All Dressed by a cool 21-16. Are you snacked out yet? We hope not.

Today brings us to the old timey Pop Shoppe, with classic concoctions Ginger Beer (the spicy wonder and our number one ranked drank) and fourth place sweetie Root Beer facing off. These beers both rule, but which makes the best use of plant bits? Which would you rather crush a two-four of?

Things are leaning cheesy in the first round of chips final four, with top seed Doritos taking on number three Crunchy Cheetos. Let's get real for a second here, some of the Doritos family (say Zesty, or Nacho) actually taste a hell of a lot like a Cheeto. The flavour powder is probably the same. So, unless you're voting based solely on the magic that is Cool Ranch, or Sweet Chili Heat, this is a texture contest. Thin, triangular flavour bursts, or dense little cheese sticks. I'm all in for a Cheeto champ. Go ahead, hate on me for it, I can't hear you over my crunching anyhow.

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Thursday, April 2, 2015

March Madness Day 12: 7 Up vs. Cream soda & Party mix vs. All dressed

Limecreampretzeldressed

Posted By on Thu, Apr 2, 2015 at 2:40 PM


As we begin the weekend of reduced price chocolate, I'm here to honour the snacks that have no holiday associated with them (but wait, maybe all of summer?). While you're busy unwrapping tiny foil eggs and biting the ears off chocolate bunnies, chips and pop are always there—giving you a wise but knowing smile—you'll be back once your Easter Rumspringa is over.

It's our chips and pop March Madness bracket, fool.

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But first, I know you're hungry for yesterday's results. Dr. Pepper did a complex flavour profile dance around Orange Crush (pssht, you've only got ONE flavour? That's some rookie shit), winning 59 percent of the votes. Salt and vinegar and cheese puffs were locked in a dead heat. We've never had a tie in our March Madness before, but (new rule) in the case of one, it's ladies' choice. And the winner is.... CHEESE PUFFS! Sorry, briny potatoes, you're out. All because I hate you.

Today's pop battle pits the summery 7 Up against the Easter of pops, cream soda. This is like a half-assed Sophie's choice for me. I kind of like both of these. Not as much as I love plain club soda, but they are pretty refreshing in certain situations. Sometimes. Lemon-lime or ...sugar (?) flavour? Maybe vanilla? Um, hold please.

From our Lord and Saviour, Wikipedia:

"Alexander C. Howell, of Vienna, New Jersey, was granted a patent for "cream soda-water" on June 27, 1865. Howell's cream soda-water was made with sodium bicarbonate, water, sugar, egg whites, wheat flour, and "any of the usual flavoring materials—such as oil of lemon, extracts of vanilla, pine-apple,to suit the taste" before drinking, the cream soda water was mixed with water and an acid such as tartaric acid or citric acid."

You crazy for this one, Howell!

Also, maybe cream soda was invented in Berwick? I love local!

"In Canada, James William Black of Berwick, Nova Scotia was granted a U.S. patent on December 8, 1885, and a Canadian patent on July 5, 1886, for "ice-cream soda". Black's ice-cream soda, which contained whipped egg whites, sugar, lime juice, lemons, citric acid, flavoring, and bicarbonate of soda, was a concentrated syrup that could be reconstituted into an effervescent beverage by adding ordinary ice water."

Oh hold up though, that sounds disgusting. But vote anyway:

The next two chips to duke it out are really all or nothing types. Nothing by a half measure here. Party mix—a manic pixie dream mixture of pretzels, corn chips, nacho chips, ringolos and crunchy cheezies—promises to please even the most finicky crowd at your next function. All dressed chips—some satanic marriage of vinegar, bbq, ketchup and sour cream flimsily bound together by a rippled chip—all but guarantees to turn your friends against you and make you lose your job. But, as always, it's your choice!

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Wednesday, April 1, 2015

March Madness Day 11: Orange Crush vs. Dr. Pepper & Salt & Vinegar vs. Cheese puffs

Orange is the new snack

Posted By on Wed, Apr 1, 2015 at 2:24 PM


We're elite eighting it up over here, not letting April Fool's or the excitement of hearing the snow melt hinder our momentum. Chips versus pop rages on. I refuse to believe you don't know what this is by now but if you insist, here's our first post where we ease you into it like a warm bath. And look at the mastery of our bracket!

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Today's "matchips" are "poppin" off and I can barely wait to get to them, but first, yesterday. Because those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

Root beer rightfully trounced Mountain Dew with 62 percent of the vote. I agree with this choice. This is democracy in action. But what is the flavour of root beer supposed to be? What is sarsparilla? Is it the same thing? What about birch beer? No one bother answering because I sort of don't care.

Crunchy Cheetos edged out he whose chip name must not be spoken (ok, ketchup) with 52 percent of the vote and this is personally wayyyy too close of a call for my liking. What the hell, everyone? KETCHUP? It's the worst condiment of all anyway! Are you all five years old or something?

This week offers some chance at redemption. The pop side offers two perfectly good and sugary concoctions: Orange Crush and Dr. Pepper. Orange Crush is solid, but I am always team Dr. Pepper because first of all, I respect a PhD, and secondly, WHAT ARE ALL THE FLAVOURS? They say there are 23. Here's the best list I can come up with (your suggestions are welcome in the comments):

1. Cola
2. Caramel
3. Chocolate
4. Cherry
5. Cinnamon
6. Vanilla
7. Coconut
8. Orange
9. Cream soda
10. Root beer
11. Liquorice
12. Sugar
13. ummmm, maybe every other fruit flavour? Does it even taste like fruit?
14. and then I tap out

One summer I got pretty hooked on Diet Dr. Pepper Chocolate Cherry and I'd get one from Salim's every evening at 5pm. I think they were just testing this sweet abomination in NS because after about two months they stopped stocking them and I went through a terrible withdrawal period. Rest in power, Diet Dr. Pepper Chocolate Cherry.

And today salt & vinegar face off against cheese puffs. Though it may have "puffs" in the name, I don't think cheese puffs should be counted out early here. Once you get going, it's hard to see the flaw in these lil orange guys. Salt & vinegar, on the other hand, is a little more divisive. My dad used to buy plain chips and put vinegar on them which thoroughly disgusted me and scarred me as a child, so I am a hard pass on these. Even with fancy malt or balsamic vinegars, no thanks. But enough about me, what do you think?

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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

March Madness Day 10: Mountain Dew vs Root Beer and Crunchy Cheetos vs Ketchup

Dew you really want to hurt me?

Posted By on Tue, Mar 31, 2015 at 4:11 PM


One day into the Elite Eight and we're still feeling fired up by this whole March Madness thing. An epic bracket battle of Pop versus Chips? It's almost as good as a freshly-stocked vending machine. If you're new to the game, read our first post of the tournament to see how far we've come, and check out the ever-evolving bracket below.

bracketrev.jpg

I'm pleased as punch to report that yesterday Ginger Beer, number one seed and spicy little number, beat the heck out of Coke, the second ranked thirst quencher 30 votes to 25. Over in the snack match, chip Illuminati, and first ranked, Doritos showed its number two Barbecue that triangles are the boss, with an easy win of 42-14.

Today it's a David and Goliath battle with the 14th ranked Mountain Dew challenging number four Root Beer. Can the radioactive elixir take down A&W's ol' reliable? I will only accept unhappy endings to this wannabe Cinderella story. Don't Dew it.

It'll be a much tighter race in chip territory with third and fourth seeds, Crunchy Cheetos and Ketchup, duking it out for a spot in the Final Four. A disgusting truth—my sister had a childhood friend who, instead of buying ketchup chips, used to dip her plain chips in a bowl of ketchup for a "special treat". She'd probably tell you to vote ketchup, maybe not even the chip, but the condiment. But do you really want to trust someone with that strange taste in snacking? I'm a fan of our nation's chip, but not that kind of fan. My money's on the cheese batons for this one, and by money I mean I'm going to the corner store to by a bag of them immediately.

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Monday, March 30, 2015

March Madness Day 9: Ginger beer vs. Coke & Doritos vs. Barbecue

Sweet and savoury

Posted By on Mon, Mar 30, 2015 at 2:55 PM


Our March Madness second round starts today with some pretty heavy hitters—flavour-wise. It's been a weekend, so I'll refresh your memory on what we're doing. We've matched up chips and pop in an all out to the death fight, who will reign? Which snack will we have to eat forever and ever? We'll know whenever this finishes!

Here's our first post so you can catch up on all the action from the start, should you desire. The bracket is below!

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Friday's matches were hotly contested within the Coast office and, apparently, without. Cream soda creamed Sprite (but only by a single vote!) and all dressed took their unholy "throw every flavour on there and might as well serve it in a trough" mentality and walloped dear old plain with it, 59 percent to 41 percent. That is a gross and disgusting outcome. Chips shouldn't taste like everything. You know why the French sneer at us? All dressed chips.

Today's second round starts off on the pop side with ginger beer versus Coke. Classy or classic? Spicy or sweet? A taste of the islands or a taste of literally every water fountain in every elementary school (in 2027, probably)? You decide!

The chip match ups pack a very salty punch with Doritos versus barbecue. When I was a child the most exotic flavour chip I would eat was BBQ, but then a fateful sleepover turned me on to the taste sensation of a Dorito and I haven't looked back. Fun fact: Once at a sleepover a friend with braces opted not to eat the Doritos but instead to lick the cheesy seasoning off each one and put them back in the bag. The next morning, the sleepover host's little brother came upstairs happily munching on the leftovers. I can't remember if we told him to stop. Oh, and you can also vote for barbecue. If you spell it "barbeque" then you can't vote for anything. Please leave.

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Friday, March 27, 2015

March Madness Day 8: Cream Soda vs Sprite and Plain vs All Dressed

Cream Soda Rules Everything Around Me

Posted By on Fri, Mar 27, 2015 at 2:36 PM


Welcome to the final match-up of the first round of our annual March Madness tournament, in which we unleash our inner team players in the name of snacks. Which is superior, Pop or Chips? Only time, and many of these blog posts dissecting artificial flavours, will tell. Catch up on what you've missed here, or check out the bracket below.

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Yesterday's snoozers saw 10th seed, 7-up, muster up enough non-caffienated strength to defeat every diet soda ever by a score of 34-14. Sorry diet lovers, only full sugar from here on in. On the chips side of the bracket we learned ain't nothing gonna break Party Mix's stride—not even pretzels—the seventh place chip medley defeated 10th seed Pringles by a score of 31-17. Maybe if Julius Pringles would have loosened up the bow tie a little we'd have a different result.

Today sees standards taking on eclectics. The beverage match-up pits eighth seed Cream Soda against ninth seed Sprite. I'm totally thinking pink on this one—firstly, because if Orange Crush can win your votes, the equally nostalgic/sickening Cream Soda should be able to easily, but also this cartoony liquid ice cream is so friggin' tasty. That said, it would be pretty great to have Sprite—Coke's answer to 7-up—win and have to take on its fellow lemon-lime liquid. It'd probably end in a tie because there is ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE TWO POPS.

The chips competition gives you a taste of both worlds—the really boring world (ninth seed Plain) and the super salty and intensely artificially flavoured world (eighth seed All Dressed). JK everyone, plain chips have their place and it's dunked in a heaping bowl of mayo-based dip. I'm breaking out my purple (the official AD colour, duh) jersey tonight to cheer for the sour cream & onion, ketchup, salt and vinegar and barbecue combo—it's All Dressed up and ready to kick some Plain ass.

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Thursday, March 26, 2015

March Madness Day 7: Diet soda vs 7-up and Party Mix vs Pringles

In which pretzels ruin everything

Posted By on Thu, Mar 26, 2015 at 1:35 PM


We're back/still at it, chugging away at this Coasty-version of March Madness, a really sporty, stats-heavy bracket that has your favourite treats—pop and chips—fighting for the top spot of the tournament. If you're just tuning in now, you've missed a full week of bottles and bags and should probably catch up here.

Here's a look at how it all began, in bracket form.

bracketrev.jpg

Let's discuss yesterday's results. Let me break this to you gently. The almighty Ginger Ale has fallen. Hard. The pop conference revealed that the Dr. is in the house, and it's not going anywhere, with a 113-64 defeat—our largest voter turnout thus far. Really, you guys broke out the thunder sticks and face paint for Dr. Pepper? As much as I'm crushed to see 11th seed, Ginger Ale, go, I really can't argue these numbers. The southern belle reigns victorious.

The chip match-up had a better result proving that it is in fact easy being cheesy. A 56-34 win means that the fifth-ranked Cheese Puffs will be leaving a trail of neon orange fingerprints all the way to the top 16. Chester the Cheetah couldn't be reached for comment.

Day seven brings a bit of a snore on the pop side, but there always has to be a snoozer, right? The incredibly vague seventh seed "diet soda"—which could be any diet pop you desire, because it is an imaginary sports team— takes on 7-up, the 10th seed that has a cherry mascot even though it's lemon-lime flavoured. You don't always get brains and brawn, I guess. Diet anything is the worst, so I'm gunning for the uncaffienated dummy that is 7-up to school aspartame's ass.

When it comes to your daily salt fix, the seventh place Party Mix takes on the 10th seed, stackable "newfangled potato chip" Pringles, a snack created to counter the often crushed, greasy potato chips of the 60s. I see Party Mix as a clear front-runner here, but there's one weakness that might be big enough to drag it down—the pretzels. Ringolos, Fritos, crunchy Cheetos and Doritos—all awesome on their own, some even strong contenders in this competition—will have to hustle to make up for the shitty, dry, boring snack that is pretzels. Can they stop the pop that is Pringles? It'll take teamwork.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2015

March Madness Day 6: Dr. Pepper vs Ginger Ale and Cheese Puffs vs Fritos

Orange is the new chip

Posted By on Wed, Mar 25, 2015 at 1:48 PM


Things are heating up in our annual March Madness bracket, where we've got your favourite party snacks—pop and chips—battling each other daily in order to discover who is the ultimate satisfier of cravings. There are three match-ups left before the competition is whittled down to the top 16, so now is the time to try and save your faves. If you're slightly confused about the seriousness of this topic, educate yourself on the tournament here.

And feast your eyes on the entire bracket here:

bracket.jpg

Yesterday revealed tighter than usual races, with moustache-maker and fifth seed, Orange Crush, crushing its polite, conservative opponent Club Soda—its sparkle is gone, it's now just plain old water. How did this happen? A classy and highly drinkable beverage lost to the main ingredient in Swamp Water. This could have been an upset to rule them all, but it wound up totally predictable. Sports, man. So complicated.

The chips showdown was equally as tight, with a 23-18 victory for tastemaker and way-paver of the chip world, ye olde Salt & Vinegar defeating the sad, but probably vitamin D efficient, Sun Chips, whose Wikipedia bio predicted it all.

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Yeah, no shit.

OK, now for today's fun. These two insane match-ups might just stump you snacksfans. On the drinkable side the sixth-ranked Dr. Pepper (don't even get me started) takes on the grossly under-seeded, 11th place Ginger Ale. I do appreciate the mystery of what the hell that "Pepper" flavour is but IMHO Ginger Ale deserves this. This tried and true athlete has seen it's share of cocktails and cures, and was actually invented by a doctor. And a pharmacist (he invented dry ginger ale). Here's what I recommend you do before casting your vote. Drink two litres of Dr. Pepper, and then see if Ginger Ale can cure the belly ache that'll ensue.

The chips side brings together the unconventional chip shapes of Cheese Puffs (a sixth seed) and Fritos (11th). If these chips were people, they'd be me (cheese puffs for liffffeee) and Stephanie Johns (a true alt chip eater, see Munchos). This is a fucking no brainer. Cheese puffs, Cheetos, Cheezies, whatever you want to call them, should easily trump these feeble, salty but pretty flavourless, corn twists. Yes, Fritos are older and wiser—invented in 1932—and Frito pie is an incredible thing, but how could the possibly compete with that fake cheese flavour. Or the glory of stale cheese puffs? The true twist is that the same dude invented both Fritos and Cheetos, so no matter what a genius wins. Vote with your heart, and your stomach!

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Tuesday, March 24, 2015

March Madness Day 5: Club Soda vs Orange Crush and Salt & Vinegar vs Sun Chips

What are you, healthy?

Posted By on Tue, Mar 24, 2015 at 1:28 PM


Top of the muffin to you! Have you figured our what we're up to yet? The Coast's annual March Madness madness has the best and worst in pop and chips battling for bragging rights. Considering there's absolutely no prize, it's a heated competition that's inspired my movie-watching snacks until the end of time. If you'd like a little bit of back story, read this.

Our team of snack lovers/newspaper editors ranked the the "top" (I use this term loosely, because where my kettle chips at?) 16 in both the sweet and salty (or liquid and solid) conferences, and for the next couple of weeks we'll watch as they duke it out at the hands of all your hungry people.

Look at this delicious bracket:

bracket.jpg

Before we move on to Day 5's glorious matches, let's talk about yesterday. It turns out I was biting my nails for nothing because the rare species known as Grape Pop Fans failed miserably, resulting in a 64-29 loss that has the fourth ranked Root Beer moving on to the next round. The only thing that could make this news any better would be topping it with a scoop of ice cream.

Moving on from bottles to bags, our strange Styrofoam friend Munchos crumbled at the mere sight of the red hot Canadian idol Ketchup, losing by another embarrassing score of 60 votes to 29 votes. Another fourth seed moves forward, another questionable snack eliminated. Condiments ftw!

Today brings two pretty great fancy vs trashy face-offs (fancy in the processed food world, that is). On the drinkable side of the bracket we have the fifth-ranked, but sugar underdog, Club Soda taking on the 12th place Orange Crush. If I put my nostalgia aside, I think our sparkling friend Club Soda is a better all-around player, a versatile veteran in the fizz game. I guess it comes down to whether you like your citrus in artificial or wedge form. Are you 40 at heart, or a pre-teen? You decide.

It's much more classic when it comes to today's chip competition. One of the first ever potato chip flavours, Salt & Vinegar, takes on 12th seed and multi-grain wimp, Sun Chips. I actually love both of these mediocre snacks and sort of think it's anybody's game. Sun Chips has its multiple flavours going for it—French Onion? Harvest Cheddar? Garden Salsa?—plus that compostable bag, but can its "healthy" ripples fuck with true OG, S&V, one of the only chip flavours that actually tastes like what it's named?

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Monday, March 23, 2015

March Madness Day 4: Root Beer vs Grape and Ketchup vs Munchos

Stained finger tips and upper lips

Posted By on Mon, Mar 23, 2015 at 12:55 PM


What up, sports fans? Welcome back to day four of our annual March Madness showdown, where this year we're pitting the best in canker-sore-causers against each other in what will be an ultimate battle of sweet versus salty. If chips do not win this thing, I will drown myself in Big 8 diet cola.

Confused? Disgusted? Hungry? Here's a recap of the tournament thus far. And below, behold our completely unscientifically ranked bracket. (WHERE THE HECK IS DILL PICKLE???? THE HUMANITY!)

bracket.jpg

Before we get to today's match-ups, allow me to update you on the serious snacking went down this weekend. In quite possibly the upset of the century, the green machine, Mountain Dew, took down its snobby cousin Pepsi by a single vote. The Dew did it! Generation Next? More like Generation NEVER.

In contrast, it was a complete blowout on the chips side, with Crunchy Cheetos (better known as dense cheezies to we cheese stick connoisseurs) defeating the equally delicious Funyuns 91-9. Are Funyuns the same as those fluffy, highly addictive Sour Cream and Onion Rings? If not I take back that whole equally delicious thing. Anyway, my money's on Crunchy Cheetos taking this whole thing.

Now. Today. Potentially the most exciting one so far. On the drinks side we have a reenactment of your fifth birthday party, minus the gifts. Thirteenth seed Grape takes on fourth-ranked Root Beer. I'm predicting the latter on this one. Not only does it have better float capabilities, it won't leave you with a pop moustache and frankly grape soda is nasty—it's basically carbonated cough syrup. Anyway, go forth and prove me wrong.

On the chippies court, we have what I see as another blow out in the making, though my colleague Stephanie "Munchos" Johns would disagree. You're going to need your wet naps for this one. Canada's best invention, the fourth seeded Ketchup, takes on the chip impostor and 13th seed Munchos. The "original potato crisp" was designed to be a thicker potato chip and a Pringles competitor—the featherlight "crisps" are bubbly and nearly transparent and basically like eating air. Really salty, greasy air. Ketchup chips are a national treasure. The end.

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Friday, March 20, 2015

March Madness Day 3: Pepsi vs. Mountain Dew & Crunchy Cheetos vs. Funyuns

A very classy affair

Posted By on Fri, Mar 20, 2015 at 4:12 PM


TGIMM, everyone! I burrowed to work like a lil weasel just to find out the captivating results of yesterday's mesquite-heated match-ups in our yearly March Madness bracket. This year we're pitting chips against pop in some kind of unholy war.

Here's a bit of an explanation, and here is our bracket of the most loved and loathed children's party foods.

bracket.jpg

Today's pop matches are Pepsi and Mountain Dew and the chip offerings are crunchy Cheetos and Funyuns. We'll get to that later. Right now I need to share the results of yesterday's battle royale. But first I'll start by saying that unless there is some wild upset or especially close call, the first few days of March Madness can almost be a bit boring. The big guys go up against the underdogs, and while we love a good underdog story, those goddamned roast chicken chips are just too goddamned salty.

Coke actually had a battle on its hands, despite extensive marketing to children, and only took 78 percent of the vote. I'm sure if it hovered anywhere near 60 percent or less I would have gotten a knock on my door by the MIB dudes or something (don't think about it too much). As it stands, Coke lives to clean pennies another day.

Barbecue and roast chicken had one of the closest calls we've seen so far. With results so close you could barely slip a Pringle between them, barbecue took 57 percent of the vote. I guess more folks loved the comforting taste of Mom's chicken dinner in chip form than I thought. I stand corrected. It seriously smells like you're eating a package of ramen though, thought you should know.

Now onto this evening: crack open a bottle of something fizzy (Fresca?) have a few hors d'oeuvres and ponder today's choices. Beloved cola beverage Pepsi tickles the nose of the green giant, Mountain Dew. It's sort of a bad sign that I don't have anything snarky to say about either of these drinks. Sometimes they hit the spot! Caffeine! How can you mess with perfection?

Our chips bracket takes a slightly different shape today, as taut, slender Crunchy Cheetos take a stab in the direction of the rotund Funyuns. I feel like you can't even get Funyuns here. Maybe the allure of the exotic will be in Funyuns' favour? That said, Crunchy Cheetos have all the appeal of Cheetos but without dissolving into pure air as soon as you put them in your mouth. And there's a jalapeno flavour. Funyuns basically always taste like fun onions, I am assuming.

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In Print This Week

Vol 27, No 4
June 20, 2019

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