The internet is full of lies. We know this. But no lie is greater than that of the “Super Easy Halloween costume.” Hey bloggers: costumes with accompanying makeup tutorials are not “easy.” Here are some legit quick Halloween costumes with varying time lengths and commitment levels—depending on how little time you have/how lazy you are.
This requires some effort, so apologies. Grab a tank top or shirt you don’t wear any more, cut out two circles right where the boobs go…you see where I’m going with this. Pair a white tank and purple bra with a short skirt and heels for the full Regina George. If you don’t understand this costume, you’re dead to me. #armyofskanks
May require some closet rummaging, but Old School Robber is pretty dang easy. Grab a striped shirt (white and black, if you have it), a dark toque, black pants and dark gloves. Snatch a pillowcase and stuff it with dirty laundry or a towel or something, and toss it over your shoulder. If you want to take it to the next level and don’t care about your pillowcase, use a sharpie to draw on a comically large dollar sign.
Everyone’s favourite non-sensical Muppet–Swedish Chef. Over a white shirt, toss on an apron (if you have one,) grab some oven mitts, a mixing spoon and a spatula. Boom. The extra eight minutes is for Googling “Easy Swedish phrases.” Or save some time and just speak in sing-songy vowels all night.
Toss on track pants, sneakers and a turtleneck or jeans, Timbos and a puffer jacket. Allot five minutes to dress, and then five minutes to perfect your worst/best dance moves in front of the mirror. Oh hey, Hotline Bling.
Toss on your baggy denim shirt and throw a pashmina (if you have one) oh-so-casually around your neck. Grab a mixing bowl and spoon, or swipe a plate of whatever your host set out for the party and, presto, you’re everyone’s favourite shoeless pseudo-aristocrat, Ina Garten. Talk loving about Jeffrey and condescendingly about how “store bought [insert ingredient here] will do. I guess.”
Perfect for all the bros with undercuts…so all of you: throw on all the weird shit you have in your closet—literally anything (the weirder the better). You’re Macklemore now. Talk about Seattle a LOT and unnecessarily spell out random words. Try to find a sidekick with a Casio to be Ryan Lewis.
Go to your bed. Take off your bed sheet. Wrap it around you in some fashion and secure with the tie from your bathrobe. Insta-toga. Grab some leaves from the ground and stick ‘em behind your ears. Insta-emperor. If it all becomes dishevelled during the night just say, “I’m Caesar—drunk on power and the glory of the Roman Empire...and wine.”
If you want to piss off all the Halloween try-hards, this is the costume for you. Go outside, grab a leaf from the ground or a tree and tape it in place hanging from the brim of a hat. When wearing the hat, it should dangle in front of your face. When anyone asks what you’re dressed as, blow the leaf and say, “I’m a leaf blower,” and then pause for the ensuing groan/laughter. Easy as pie.