Q I'm a 26-year-old lesbian 18 months out of an eight-year relationship. She was my first girlfriend. I do not want to be in another monogamous relationship. I want to have a couple of sex buddies or, preferably, a couple of friends with benefits. In the last 18 months, I have had three FWB "arrangements" with different girls. The problem is, about two or three months in, each girl developed serious like/love feelings and began talking about a future together and how they want to be with me exclusively. Each time, I had to reiterate my feelings about not getting into a relationship and wound up feeling like an asshole. I care about these women and don't want to hurt their feelings, but I told them the situation from the start. Am I a bad person? Or are FWB impossible? --Fears Wilting Boundaries
A Friends-with-benefits arrangements may not be committed relationships, but they are relationships. They're ongoing sexual relationships, and---you might want to sit down for this---people have been known to develop like/love feelings for folks they're fucking on a regular basis. So if "getting into a relationship" is something you want to avoid, and you don't want anyone developing feelings, you should have one-night stands and/or NSA sex instead. (Those are also relationships, in my opinion, but they're extremely short-term ones, and people rarely develop serious like/love feelings in a single sex session.) On to your questions: You are not a bad person. FWB are not impossible---there are a lot of successful FWB arrangements---and a desire for exclusivity or a future together is not proof someone entered into a FWB arrangement under false pretenses. And reiterating your disinterest in a committed relationship isn't assholery
Q I'm a 28-year-old straight female. I've only ever been able to orgasm if I self-induce while alone or if I'm on top during sex with a guy and my clit is being rubbed on the guy's abdomen. (This works best with bigger guys.) When there is no abdomen rubbing my clit, I fake it. I can squeeze so it feels as if I'm coming, but I'm not. Do you have any suggestions? --Wants Real Orgasms
A You're having real orgasms, WRO. When your clit is fully engaged---using your hands or toys when alone, rubbing against the abdomen of a big guy during intercourse---you get off. Some women's clits are fully engaged during intercourse without any extra effort (they can come "just" from fucking), but they're in the minority. If climaxing during intercourse is important to you, WRO, you'll have to sleep with big guys exclusively, rub your own clit during sex or instruct skinny dudes to rub your clit for you.
Q I am in a heterosexual relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We were long-distance for the first 18 months. When we were long-distance, he complained that it was hard to have a relationship over the phone. Now that we are in the same city, he says he feels like our relationship has gone "stale" and he feels "trapped." I'm sick of his complaining. Does he want to be with me or not? What is he really trying to say? --Confusing Lad Is Nagging Girl
A "I'm intolerable and you should break up with me."
Q My question concerns my fiance. He is 35 years old. Between the ages of 20 and 30, he was in and out of jail. He has admitted to me that while in prison, he had sex with a [trans woman]. I know he loves having sex with [cis] women, but I found out that he watches [a porn genre that features trans women who have penises]. He says he is just looking, but I know he masturbates to this [porn genre]. To be fair, he watches tons of porn featuring [cis] women. A lot. He loves watching [cis] women and having sex with [cis] women. My worry is that he wants to have sex with [trans women]. Is this a legitimate worry? He doesn't watch gay porn. I just want to make sure of everything if we are going to be married. --Fiance Lusts After [Trans Women] Hottie
A You would be foolish to waste your time wondering whether your fiance wants to have sex with trans women, FLATWH, as it's clear that your fiance wants to have sex with trans women. The question you should concern yourself with is this: Can your fiance be trusted to honour the monogamous commitment he's (presumably) about to make to you, or is he going to cheat on you with other trans and/or cis women? If you trust that he'll honor the commitment he makes to you, then his taste in porn and his fantasies about other partners---trans or not---is irrelevant.
Q I'm a married straight man. My wife and I have been married for five years. I thought my wife was GGG and open to new things, so six months ago I brought up my desire to wear lingerie---she did not react well. We struggled a bit but gradually got back to normal, with me just not mentioning it again. My birthday is in May, so I proposed a weekend of indulgence of my fetish as a birthday present. I thought that would be easy enough to accommodate. I was wrong and got totally and uncomfortably denied. I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want to destroy a marriage over a small sexual interest, but I don't want to be locked into vanilla sex forever. Any advice on getting her to come around? --Partner Against Nighties That Intrigue Eager Spouse
A Someone can be "open to new things" without being "open to everything." So your wife might be up for exploring other sexual kinks, positions and circumstances---hubby-in-lingerie isn't the only form of non-vanilla sex out there---but seeing you in panties could be a "libido killer," a term coined by Emily "Dear Prudence" Yoffe. If that's the case, PANTIES, she may never come around. But if it's not a libido killer, if it's just something she hasn't had time to wrap her head around, your best course of action is to drop the subject for now. Let the wife see that your interest isn't all-consuming and you still enjoy vanilla sex in gender-conforming underpants, and indulging this particular kink may come to seem less threatening.