"Bah Humbug Christmas" informercial

Spoken word by Reed “iZrEAL” Jones

illustration Peter Diamond

Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas!!! It's that time of year again.

Do u hate crowded shopping malls?Do u hate wrappin Christmas gifts?Do u hate big family dinners with crazy relatives?

Do u hate Christmas?

If u answered yes To any of the previous questions...Bah humbug.... Have I got a deal for the bah humbug in u...

For just only, just as little as, 5 easy payments Of 90 percent of 6 months of ur household wagesBah Humbug Christmas can be urs...That's right folks!...Bah Humbug Christmas can be urs...

Depending on the sum Of 90 percent of 6 months of ur household wages,Ur Bah Humbug Christmas will start on Black SundayAnd come complete with a shoppin spree In big box malls—debt guaranteed.And of course u'll get to see And have to speak To ppl in the mall that u didn't wanna see.While ur kids visit Santa's Village And sit on Santa's kneeTo ask for a new colour TV and Nintendo WiiAlong with some new front teethCause Easter's coming, and we just had Halloween.U'll also receive a fully decorated Christmas tree,Presents and allAnd ur choice of angel or glowin star.U'll receive A Fireplace Decorated with family photo Christmas cards, A chimney,

A glass of milk and 3 half-eaten cookies.U'll sip eggnog and stuff ur face With nasty tasting fruit cakeBy the Yule log.U'll rot ur teeth with candy canesAnd fancy sweetsLike Ferrero Rocher and Quality Streets.Ur Bah Humbug Christmas will also includeChristmas carolsAnd Christmas cartoons and Christmas TV shows

Like The Grinch, It's A Wonderful Life And Rudolph... that reindeer with the red nose.And for the good old-time religion in uU'll even receive a nativity sceneComplete with a manger, a few sheep

Mary, Joseph, the wisemen and baby jesus Singing carols on the floor.Now if this doesn't sound like a scoreJust wait! Ho Ho Ho Merry Bah Humbug Christmas!!!I've got more.The best part about Bah Humbug Christmas is If u order now by phone By dialing our toll-free number or Visiting us online at the website address listed belowUr Ho Ho Ho Merry Bah Humbug Christmas!!! Will also include.... Lil drummer boy, drums please...ParapapumpumA Bah Humbug Christmas Clone!!!That's right folks!!!ParapapumpumA Bah Humbug Christmas Clone!!!They'll go sledding with ur kids all day and nightAnd put up ur outdoor Christmas lights. They'll go spending ur Christmas cash.They'll build ur gingerbread homes and Christmas crafts.They'll attend Christmas dinner At the in-laws. They'll even decide Which great aunt makes the best stuffin or apple pie.And guess what? They'll even be secret Santa for uSo u won't have to waste timeTryin to decide What gift to buy For that coworker u don't like.They'll even stand in those long department-store lines So u can save ur legsAnd avoid the terror of watchin ur hard-earned cash burning through ur wallet.They'll even fill in And watch ur children's Terrible Christmas concerts.Shoot, u won't even have to vacuum the pine needles off the carpet.U won't have to stuff stockingsWrap presents or put them under the tree.And gosh darn it on Christmas morning u won't have to wake up early, U'll be able to sleep in,Cause your Bah Humbug Clone will fill in And record the memories for u.Isn't that great huh? Isn't it? Whoooo!!!Bah Humbug Christmas in a nutshell...For just only, just as little as, 5 easy payments Of 90 percent of 6 months of ur household wagesBah Humbug Christmas can be urs...That's right folks!...Bah Humbug Christmas can be urs...Call or visit us online and start planning ur Bah Humbug Christmas today...Boxing day, New Year's Eve sold separately

Bah Humbug Christmas is also available in Bah Humbug Hanukkah, Bah Humbug Festivus and Bah Humbug Kwanzaa.Batteries and bill collectors included.

No one really knows the reason For our gift-giving seasons But everyone likes gifts... So y not buy one from us...

Christmas is brought to u by Consumer Gift Giving Holly-Hellidays Inc.Also the proud creators of Halloween and Easter.

Use this quicktime controller to hear the author recite this piece

Reed “iZrEAL” Jones is a Toronto-born spoken word poet, writer, producer and director raised in the community of Hammonds Plains. He is a founding member of the Word Iz Bond Spoken Word Artist Collective and has performed at various events across the country. iZrEAL has been featured on TV, radio and in various print media. He has been commissioned to write poetry for a number of different organizations and has had his work published in anthologies and magazines.

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