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Butt for the flared base

Helpful anal tips, a confused bisexual and a reader’s four-point sexuality system make for a varied and variable advice column.



Q At a dinner party, a straight man put a question to my boyfriend and me. He assumed that we, being gay men, would have an answer for him. We did not, Dan, and so we turn to you. What happens to one if one has to fart while one is wearing a butt plug? —Gays Are Simply Stumped, Yes And Sincerely So

A If one is wearing a butt plug ("wear: to carry or to have on the body or about the person as a covering, ornament or the like"), GASSYASS, then one may pass gas, silently or noisily, as one is wont to do, because a butt plug worn as a hat or a brooch or an epaulet—that is, a butt plug worn on the body—presents no impediment. But if one has fully inserted the bulbous end of the butt plug into one's rectal cavity, and one's sphincter muscles are gripping the neck of the butt plug, as they are wont to do, thereby ensuring that the bulbous end remains lodged in the rectal cavity while the flared base remains outside of the rectal cavity (one could, if one wished to be pedantic, argue that one wears the flared base of the butt plug against one's anus), what would then happen if one attempted to pass gas? The force of the gas would dislodge one's butt plug, sending it flying across one's room.

Q I had a conversation with a friend who is an emergency-room physician. He told me about removing something—I can't remember what—from a gentleman's ass. My immediate response was to ask whether he had the flared-base talk with the gentleman after the fact. His response? "What are you talking about?" I explained that if the gentleman had used a butt toy with a flared base, he wouldn't have been in the circumstances that brought him to the hospital. He had never thought of that and thanked me for the advice. My partner is a physician and has treated patients with anal "encumbrances." He gives the flared-base advice to anyone who seems like they might benefit from it—but he tells me this isn't something they go over in med school. —Conscience Cleared

A I am sharing your letter, CC, in the hopes that doctors all over the world read it and promptly incorporate your "flared-base" advice into their practice. If they don't, well, then we will just have to conclude that flared-base advice isn't given to patients by doctors—ER or otherwise—because doctors secretly enjoy digging various foreign objects out of the variable rectums of various gentlemen.

Q I'm a 19-year-old bisexual male. I've been in a two-year relationship with a girl who has a low sex drive, so we are in an open relationship and I occasionally have sex with guys. I really liked the last guy I got with and enjoyed having sex with him a lot. The problem was, I couldn't get hard. Is the problem that I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I want? Am I not as attracted to guys as I thought I was? Or could it be guilt, even though my girlfriend is OK with it? —Bisexually Oriented Nervously Experiencing Reversal

A You say you "occasionally have sex with guys," BONER, which means this guy isn't your first. He's just the first guy—perhaps the first person—that you couldn't get hard with. Let me guess: This has never happened to you before. Of course it hasn't—you're 19. But it happens to every guy sooner or later, and you're much likelier to seek an explanation or attach some deeper meaning to it the first time it happens. (Maybe I'm not bi! Maybe it was guilt!) Don't waste your time, BONER. Sometimes a soft dick is just a soft dick. If it keeps happening, well, then you may have a problem. But if you go on obsessing about an isolated incident—perhaps brought on by nerves (you liked this guy, right?)—you run the risk of creating a problem.

Q It occurred to me that the debate over polyamoury as a "sexual orientation" is primarily one of definitions. Some folks who are poly see that as just as "core" to their nature as their gender preference. Therefore, I propose the following framework.

We all have a sexual identity composed of four components: 1. Our gender identity ranging from cis to trans. 2. Our sexual orientation ranging from homo to hetero. 3. Our sexual exclusivity ranging from purely monogamous to purely polyamourous. 4. Our sexual interest ranging from asexual to highly sexual.

In my view, these four components are equal in that they are all things that we are rather than things that we choose. While it is possible to choose a lifestyle that deviates from one's sexual identity, in all cases doing so entails stress, cognitive dissonance and some degree of self-loathing. I do think there is something unique and universally applicable in the four-component scheme, and I think that we should as a society set a goal of acceptance and nondiscrimination surrounding all aspects of sexual identity. —Just My Thoughts

A I like your model, JMT, but it has to be said: At a certain point, endless Tumblr-enabled debates about sexual identity, gender identity, sexual orientation and sexual interests take on the flavour of those how-many-angels-can-dance-on-the-head-of-a-pin debates that obsessed theologians in the Middle Ages.

For the record: Each of us is free—and remains free—to identify however we wish and to apply the labels "identity" and/or "orientation" however we please. If a particular person isn't trying to take anything away from you, then the fact that the person holds slightly differing views on identity or orientation, or the meanings of those words or just how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, well, it really isn't an enormous deal, is it? And, in my opinion, those who spend their time debating, classifying and unpacking sex and identity run a very real risk of disappearing up their own ass in a puff of santorum. Which is my way of saying...

No, I won't be giving a column over to angry letters from buttsore people who feel that D/s is their sexual orientation, despite being told that I must because last week I suggested that, from my point of view, D/s is a sexual identity, not an orientation, and I gave a column to angry poly folks so it's only fair and blah blah blah.

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