City Guides » Hot Summer Guide

Cool your jets

Say goodbye to pit stains with this guide to finding the coldest, most air conditioned places in town

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Despite what the rest of these pages want you to believe, summer is the actual worst. Between hay fever, swamp ass and the ever-rising cost of your cat's flea medication–to say nothing of living in a city that in the summer seems to trade working for all-hours porch-lounging while bumping Top 40–June through early September is cause for Netflix marathons and lying perfectly still. The greatest invention of the modern era is not the iPhone nor the Tide pen, it is the electric air conditioner, which was created in 1902, though it took almost 20 years for it to make it into homes. If you, like me, pay for your own power, you are certainly not jamming one of those in a window, so instead follow these steps: Go to the movies (not at the Oxford, though), where you'll need a sweater, which you can buy at the mall, to which you can take the bus. There are 191 Metro Transit vehicles pumping the freeze now– SO DON'T OPEN ANY WINDOWS, DUMMY. If you have walk-around errands, make sure to stop into a bank, pretend you have business in an office building or take a meal in a chain restaurant. The humidex won't judge you. —Tara Thorne

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