Hey, everybody: If you missed last weeks column, Im taking a week off because, well, go read last weeks column if you care to know. Heres an old column---from May 24, 1995---
to tide you over until my return next week. It not only features my mother, but also my boyfriends very first mention in the column. And as youll see, last week wasnt the first time I gave Mom the credit for my very curious career.
You recently wrote something about people who are only attracted to amputees. Well, I personally have been attracted to female amputees for as long as I can remember. Have other people written you about this amputee attraction phenomenon? I get very excited when I come across a single-legged girl crutching along, or encounter a pretty young woman with an empty sleeve dangling where an arm should be. Do you know of any clubs or organizations that cater to such an interest? Are there many others with this attraction and where can I meet amputees?
My dear old Catholic ma came to visit me from Chicago recently---for a whole week. Mom stayed with me at my new apartment, where she got to meet my new boyfriend, which went something like this: Isnt he a little young? Hes 24. Well, he doesnt look 24. You got me, Mom. Hes 12 years old. Im the president of NAMBLA. I met him at Baskin-Robbins. Im going to jail for this. But before I do, Ill sponsor him at his confirmation, OK? I bring up my mother not because shes an amputee---just for the record, Mom still runs around on all fours---but because it was my mom who taught me everything I know about giving advice.
During my formative years, I spent countless hours listening to my mother tell her sisters, her friends and ladies from the parish to get their shit together. They came to her, she told them what she thought and I drank it in. So, in honour of Mothers Day, I let the ol gal have a go at this sex-advice thang. AMP Fan, heres Moms advice for you: Go and do some volunteer work at a hospital. Work in a rehabilitation institute for people whove lost a limb in a car wreck or something. Sounds like Mas on your side. Did she really mean to say people attracted to amputees should lurk around hospitals? Well, no, of course not. I just thought he could meet an amputee that way. I guess hed be volunteering for the wrong reasons, like a pedophile working for the Boy Scouts. Or going into the priesthood?
Maybe he should go see a shrink and find out why hes into this. Sound advice. If I may put in my own two cents: Amputee fetishism, while not as common as, say, leather fetishism, isnt exactly unheard of. While I dont personally have any knowledge of organizations for amputees and the folks who love em, perhaps someone reading this does and will write in. Meanwhile, whats to stop you from taking out a personal ad seeking like-minded pervs and starting an organization of your own?
What is the medical explanation for the fact that the skin of the penis is often darker than skin that is not exposed to sunlight? Does the bacteria a penis encounters while fucking have anything to do with this phenomenon?
Ask a doctor, Ma sez. Thats what I would do. Or better yet, dont worry about things like this and, you know, have a life. qI have been living with my boyfriend now for two years. We have known each other for 17 years, but since we started living together things have escalated from serious to very serious. I love him, this is for sure. He is wonderful, honest, kind and all that. This guy does not have a mean bone in his body. I even had an affair recently, told him and he forgave me.
The problem? I must be one of those people who has a constant wandering eye and right now I think I am in love/lust with another man. Its occurred to me recently that if it isnt one love interest on the side, its another. I dont want to lose my lover, but I know being honest would finish us off this time around, so what am I to do about this other guy? I guess there is a simple solution---confess and move on, but all I want is just to have sex with this other guy. Besides lying or telling the truth or talking about opening our bedroom, which my boyfriend has already objected to, what should I do?
I think you should be monogamous, says Mom. I think everyone should be monogamous. Why? I dont think we were meant to be promiscuous. Why? Because were supposed to find someone we like and settle down with that person. Why? Because thats what mothers want their kids to do, thats why. It brings order to the world. Stability. So, in my opinion, you shouldnt act on your feelings for this man who is not your boyfriend. Not all decisions should be based on how you feel.
As for your lover, He sounds very nice and forgiving. Maybe too nice and too forgiving. Forgiveness is important, Im a forgiving mom, but it sounds like hes being a doormat. If monogamy is important to him and you cant control yourself, then maybe you two arent a match.
qIm mooning over this guy who works in a store up the street from my house. I gave him my number one day, hoping hed get the message and call me, but---you guessed it---he hasnt. He always smiles at me when I come into the store, and looks interested, but nothing so far. I fell for this guy because he reminded me of this married guy Ive been seeing who I think has fallen back in love with his wife. Im about to give up and become a nun or something. What should I do? I am attractive, confident and Ive been told Im the fantasy girl of every lovers dreams more than once.
aWomen who date married men are just being used by men every bit as screwed up as they are, says Mom. And that man was probably never out of love with his wife.
Im heavily into marital fidelity; Im supportive of marital fidelity, Mom continued, sounding like an unannounced Republican presidential hopeful. I do think its possible to have a sexual relationship with a married man and not get hurt, said Mom, suddenly sounding like a Democrat president, but you have to know in advance that its not going to be anything more than sex. And most healthy people arent willing to settle for that.
As for the boy in the store, Hes smiling at you to be polite. If he were interested he wouldve called by now. Stop wasting your time being interested in people who arent interested in you. a