Earth gets so, so bad, guys.

It’s 2154 and life is the worst. It makes Mad Max look like the Hamptons, it’s so bad. No health care, crumbling houses, tires everywhere, jerk-ass robots fucking with you on your way to your factory job building more jerk-ass robots. This is Matt Damon’s life. Earlier in Matt Damon’s life, which has always been shitty, he promised his childhood love he would one day get her to Elysium, the Hamptons in the sky built by the rich once Earth went to hell. Up there you don’t age, if you get hurt you can lie on a tanning bed that will fix it, there are pools and espressos and Jodie Foster barely trying at all. Fast-forward to Matt having five days to live due to a radiation accident, then getting outfitted with an exoskeleton that will give him enough strength to get up to Elysium and free all Earthly slaves. OR SO HE THINKS. This movie is constantly loud, to the point where when the climax comes you almost miss it, and has lots of Rubber-style exploding bodies (not a compliment) and wants to be about immigration but immigrants are people and there are no people here. Smart late summer action film? Try the next apocalypse.

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Elysium is not showing in any theaters in the area.

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