Dakota Moss is a stripper mysteriously losing appendages and limbs. How mysteriously? While stripping, Dakota looks up, to discover her pole covered in blood---and her finger missing! Dakota thinks she’s the victim of “twin stigmata”---that she’s losing limbs because her twin’s appendages are being hacked off. But Dakota has no twin. Or does she?
This only partially explains what’s going on in the Lindsay Lohan-vehicle
The Razzies, started by John Wilson, a self-described “lifelong cine-maniac and cynic,” were first doled out in 1980 (Worst Picture: Can’t Stop the Music). Other notable Worst Picture recipients have included Catwoman (2004), Striptease (1996) and Cocktail (1988). The Razzies bravely call foul when the movie industry puts out big-budget crap.
This year’s Worst Picture nominees maintain that standard, legacy, and tradition.
In nominee one,
Cool star slumming: Sideways auteur Alexander Payne co-wrote the script. Huh?
In one scene: An Asian minister in Canada (decidedly non-Asian Rob Schneider) joins Chuck and Larry in holy matrimony. A random drunk bears witness.
Sample dialogue: “My underwear’s just riding up my core...I got some applesauce going on down there.”---Larry (James), dressed as an apple.
Year’s worst? Weirdly homophobic and pro-gay rights, the film’s mediocre and (mostly) unfunny, but not Razzie material.
Premise to second contender
Cool star slumming: Kristen Schaal (overzealous fan Mel on HBO comedy Flight of the Conchords) lands a role.
In one scene: Bustier-clad fat Eddie pounces on nerdy Eddie in bed. A montage with Murphy in unfunny costumes repeats the gag, over and over. Many beds break.
Sample dialogue: “Bingo! Right in the blow hole!” proclaims Asian Eddie, as he launches a harpoon at Rasputia.
Year’s worst? It’s offensive and bad. But thankfully there’s no “twin stigmata.”
In third nominee
Cool star slumming: Jon Voight plays Principal Dimly. He was cool once, right?
In one scene: Evil Meredith (Chelsea Staub) sics her dog on a Brat. In the bizarre food fight that follows, an inexplicably existing statue of Principal Dimly breaks.
Sample dialogue: “It’s not a platitude, to feel some gratitude. So show some Bratitude, to the world today.”---the Bratz’s show-stopping number at the school talent show.
Year’s worst? The vapid time-waster’s momentarily saved when self-dubbed “Plunger Man” auditions for the talent show. (Heh.)
Cool star slumming: Brian Doyle-Murray plays Uncle Morty. He was once on the innovative comedy, Mr. Show!
In one scene: The camp’s outhouse explodes. A character emerges---toilet seat around neck, pants around ankles.
Sample dialogue: “C’mon, Billy. You can always trust a fat guy,” a John Goodman-esque character sagely imparts.
Year’s worst? No---only bec ause camp leader Gooding Jr. forgets marshmallows in one scene, forcing campers to roast pieces of fruit instead.
And you already know the premise to
Cool (minor) star slumming: Rodney Rowland (a drug-dealing biker in two Weeds episodes) rolls on to set.
In one scene: Dakota (Lohan) does an entire striptease, but never removes her bra.
Sample dialogue: “I have never sold my body to hairy old men with BO, because I am perfect,” declares Dakota facetiously.
Year’s worst? God, yes. Check razzies.com for results, if you care (or dare).