I cryed for a long time because my friend Shaquille from school said your not real. I thot about it and I cryed for almost 2 days but don't tell Shaquille because he still thinks I'm brave because of the frog in my hand. But I know your real because everyone knows a lot about you so you have to be and because why would people make beleeve you because your not even hansome?
I don't want anything for Christmas. Because every time I want something I tell Dad on Saturday and next Saturday I get it and now I'm too spoyled for Christmas and not greedy enuff. Besides one thing. Can you please make Mom stop going on dates with Dave because he smells like dypers that are still clean and he pets my frenchbrade and I'm not alloud to say don't and slap him because he is a welcomed gest in my house says HER!
I also would apreesheate if you brot me a lot of new speed because at school the boys are faster then me at running and don't you think that's not fair.
OK maybe there are things I want so sorry I lied about not wanting things.
So can you bring mom a true love because I asked her what that is when I was done singing my favorite Christmas song which is The 12 Days of Christmas but she said I don't have to wory about it yet and it's not an easy thing to explane. But I know what a true love is because I was only tricking her to see if she would say Dad but she didn't.
I know its not her folt she got merryd to Dad and it's not Dad's folt either they just fell in love at first site so they got doomed.
Also does missle toe mean you can kiss anyone! because that's wierd!?
Also you don't have to write back like you always do because there are over 7 billion! people in the world now and a lot of them live in places where there houses are broken by bombs and I know they need more things and more letters even tho they don't have chimnees.
And I'm still sorry about beeting up Nathan last year at lunch but I already told you what he called me and I'm sorry for slapping Dave in the face and thinking about slapping him constently just because I hate him. I have been good other then that. But there are more importent things.
Like when you come in this time to put are stuff under are tree can you take some money because last nite after ballet Mom said we didnt have spare change to the man even tho he shiverd and I could see his breth. But we have a hole flowerpot full of spare change Mom uses for getting lawtays with and sooshie with Dave so take some for the man (he has brown pants and orange beerd like grownup Jesus) and I will put the cookies where the money pot is.
Does Rudolf's nose ever change colours because if my nose was red I would get bored because my favorite colour changes EVERYDAY? You better be real because if not you are waisting my time.
And can you bring me another friend because Shaquille is nice but all the girls are retarded.
I don't know how you go to every house in the planet in one nite but that's really cool. Because also you saw every house so you know what the coolist looking house on Earth is. Does it have a slide that brings you down to breakfast because thats what I would do.
Also how come your elfs make toys exacly like ones in Wallmart? Isn't there a © on them and why arn't the toys reesikelable because sometimes stuff I am bored with goes in the garbage and what if the dump gets full and what if the world gets full.
Also can you bring one more day in the week with Dad because I love Mom I promise but I miss him. I don't know what he did rong. He is always nice to me and I never asked him what he did because I don't want to make him mad. On Saturdays I don't want to go see him sometimes because that means Saturday is over and then for a hole week I am missing him. Can you bring us Wensday? Because its always the worst.
Also can you show me what colour baby Jesus's skin is because Shaquille said black but Mom said no one knows. Also what is a holy ghost because does that mean it's not scary or does it just scare you so bad you stop beeting up people? Also why are preests so old but Jesus is younger then me! Can you make Mom let me choose my own church dress because last year I was itching.
In case this letter is to long here is a short list of what I need.
Dave to get kidnapped
true love for Mom
missle toe broshoor
houses for pour people outside Canada
money for pour people on the street
ottograffed picture of Jesus for Shaquille
Wensday (with Dad).
But if other kids are more importent its OK you can skip are house. I can probly figyer out missle toe and eat more zookeeny to run fast and I can find her a true love when I'm older because even if she doesnt know what they look like I do. And I don't fall in love at first site because people are really sneeky and you have to stare at them a long time like I did at the man's breth until Mom said don't stare.
Also why is your breth real everyday but you only see it around Christmas?
Ben Stephenson is a writer who likes to pretend he is also an artist when he has writer's block.