Q You are known as an arbiter of all aspects of sex and especially definitions, and we are seeking your definitive opinion. My wife and I were recently regaling each other with anecdotes from our past, and she easily had the most interesting story: It seems that when she was a young woman in college, a fellow student invited her over for lunch. It turns out that he thought she was lunch. He quickly had her clothes off and was kissing her, although he was still dressed. Then he brought out a vibrator. He applied the vibrator, she had an orgasm and then she called a halt to the proceedings. They went back to school, and that was the beginning and the end of their relationship.
Did she have sex? Now, I think any time you have an orgasm you've had sex, and if someone else is present, even if they're clothed, you definitely had sex. My wife's view is that since he never got his clothes off and she never saw his cock, she really didn't have sex. We would like your opinion on this. --Definition Essential For Intensely Novel Experience
A Let's say you and I met in a bar, DEFINE, while the wife was out of town, and we hit it off. And let's say I took you home, stripped you naked, made out with you, sucked your dick, ate your ass, spanked you, tossed you in a sling, fist-fucked you and then---with my right arm buried up to my elbow in your ass---slowly stroked you with my left hand until you blew a massive load all over your stomach, chest and face.
Now let's say I taped the whole thing and emailed a copy to your wife. I think it's unlikely your wife would turn to you after watching the video---remember: I don't get naked, you never see my dick---put a hand on your knee, and say, "Well, I'm glad you didn't have sex with Dan Savage."
Your wife clearly regrets going to that guy's room; she regretted the moment she came, just as you would probably regret going home with me. These feelings prompt her to round this experience down to Not Sex, to minimize it, to exclude it from her sexual history on a technicality: He didn't get naked, she didn't get fucked. Your wife can attempt to rationalize away the sex, DEFINE, but she had sex with that guy---and that guy's vibrator---whether she wants to admit it or not.
Q I'm writing to you to let you know that a huge fan and reader of your column has been in a coma since September 5. He had a bad motorcycle accident and has a severe brain injury. His name is Jon Broom, and he's my boyfriend, the love of my life and my best friend. Even though he still hasn't woken up, I've been reading your columns out loud to him so that he never misses one. I know you're a busy man, but I thought I'd take a chance and ask if you could pass on his Facebook support group at "Get Well Jon" in one of your columns (tinyurl.com/m3ngc3). I think it would be awesome for him to look back and see your column when he wakes up and is able to function again. We appreciate your writings and support for the people who ask for your advice. Here's to hope, faith and community. --Penny Kim
A Oh, Penny, I'm so sorry. Best wishes for a full and speedy recovery. If you're on Facebook, please join Jon's support group.
Q I had to share with you my first reaction to reading this headline: "Santorum dips toes in 2012 Iowa waters." My first thought was "Ewwww," followed quickly by "Is that even possible?" After all, santorum is something that is dipped into, not something that can dip. And then I remembered that before "santorum" meant santorum it actually designated a person, a senator. Congratulations on a job well done. I expect I am not the only one who had this moment of cognitive dissonance. --A Faithful Reader
A Ben Smith at Politico reported last Tuesday that Republican former US senator Rick Santorum plans to run for president. Political Wire linked to Smith's post and added that "Santorum has a serious Google problem." Truthdig linked to Political Wire's post and spelled out Santorum's problem: "The former senator's rampant homophobia inspired sex columnist Dan Savage to launch a campaign to usurp the conservative's name. The result: If you type 'Santorum' into Google, you'll find that it refers not to a former senator, but 'that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.'"
Who deserves the credit? Not me. The credit is yours, dear readers. It's thanks to you that spreadingsantorum.com---a blog that I haven't updated since 2004---remains the number-one hit on Google when you search "Santorum." It was a Savage Love reader who first suggested that we usurp Rick Santorum's name, another reader who suggested the "frothy mixture" definition and readers who chose the winning definition in a free and fair election. Well done, gang.
We can't take credit for Santorum losing his seat in the US Senate to Bob Casey by 18 points. That was Rick's doing. But we helped to make him ridiculous---there were so many headlines during his failed re-election campaign with "froth" or "frothy" in them. And for a politician, being an object of ridicule is a problem, which is why spreadingsantorum.com and the "frothy mixture" definition are going to be problems for Santorum.
"Maybe it's time to start updating spreadingsantorum.com again," writes Savage Love reader PB, "now that Rick is running for president." I couldn't agree more, PB, but I'm a busy guy. Back when I was writing for spreadingsantorum.com, I had only the column on my plate. Now I blog every day, I do a podcast and I'm working on another book. I don't have the time to give spreadingsantorum.com the attention it needs. But maybe some Savage Love readers do?
If spreadingsantorum.com is going to remain Google's top hit when you search "santorum"---and it should---then the site needs to come back to life. So I'm looking for a few folks who want to torment Rick Santorum by following every twist and turn of his sure-to-be-disastrous run for the White House on spreadingsantorum.com. It would be a labour of love---unpaid---but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you're driving Rick Santorum and his supporters absolutely batshit.