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Quick hits

Dan visits Chicago for a typically wide-ranging conversation, including these audience questions he didn’t have time to get to.

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I had a great time at the live taping of the Savage Lovecast at Chicago's Music Box Theatre. Audience members submitted questions on cards, and I tackled as many questions as I could over two hours—with the hilarious assistance of comedian Kristen Toomey. Here are some of the questions we didn't get to.


Q If your partner's social media makes you uncomfortable—whether it's the overly friendly comments they get on their photos or vice versa (their overly friendly comments on other people's photos)—do you have the right to say something?

A You have the right to say something—the First Amendment applies to relationships, too—but you have two additional rights and one responsibility: The right to refrain from reading the comments, the right to unfollow your partner's social media accounts and the responsibility to get over your jealousy.


Q A couple invited me to go on a trip as their third and to have threesomes. I am friends with the guy, and there is chemistry. But I have not met the girl. I'm worried that there may not be chemistry with her. Is there anything I can do to build chemistry or at least get us all comfortable enough to jump into it?

A Get this woman's phone number, exchange a few photos and flirty texts, and relax. Remember: You're the very special guest star here—it's their job to seduce you, not the other way around.


Q My partner really wants an open relationship; I really don't. He isn't the jealous type; I am. We compromised, and I agreed to a threesome. I want to meet him in the middle, but I really hate the idea of even a threesome and can't stop stressing about it. What should I do?

A You should end this relationship yourself or you can let an ill-advised, sure-to-be-disastrous threesome end it for you.


Q Any dating advice for people who are gay and disabled?

A Move on all fronts: Go places and do things—as much as your disability and budget allow—join gay dating sites, be open about your disability, be open to dating other disabled people. And take the advice of an amputee I interviewed for a column a long, long time ago: "So long as they don't see me as a fetish object, I'm willing to date people who may be attracted to me initially because of my disability, not despite it."


Q Why do I say yes to dates if I love being alone?

A Because we're constantly told—by our families, our entertainments, our faith traditions—that there's something wrong with being alone. The healthiest loners shrug it off and don't search for mates, the complicit loners play along and go through the motions of searching for mates and the oblivious loners make themselves and others miserable by searching for and landing mates they never wanted.


Q My boyfriend keeps talking about how much he would like for me to peg him. (I'm female.) Should I wait for him to buy a contraption or surprise him myself? We've been dating only three months.

A Traditionally, straight couples exchange strap-on dildos to mark their six-month anniversary.


Q Gay guy, late 20s. What's the best timing—relative to meals and bowel movements—to have anal sex?

A Butts shouldn't be fucked too soon after a meal or too soon before a bowel movement. For more info, read the late, great Jack Morin's Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples—which can be read before, during and after meals and/or bowel movements.


Q My sister's husband describes himself as sexually "vanilla." She says she hasn't had an orgasm without a vibrator in seven years. They are currently separated, and he wants her back. If he makes some lifestyle changes (stops smoking so much weed, goes to the gym), is there hope for her sex life?

A Does your sister want him back? If so, taking him back is the only way to find out if he's willing to make these lifestyle changes and make them permanently.


Q I went to a big kink event. Why are the people so fucking creepy? How can you find kinky folks who aren't super pervy?

A They're hanging out with the kinky folks who aren't super judgy.


Q Why do all of my gay friends make passes at my boyfriends at some point? It's not just harmless flirtation, either.

A Your boyfriends are irresistible, and your gay friends are irredeemable.


Q My girlfriend and I are having a debate. Which is more intimate: Vanilla sex or sharing a whirlpool bath with someone? Can you settle this?

A No.


Q Three great dates followed by a micro-penis. What do I do? Him: Six-foot-four, giant belly. Me: Five-foot-five, normal proportions. Great guy, but the sex sucked.

A If you require an average-to-large penis to enjoy sex, don't keep seeing this guy. He needs to find someone who thinks—or someone who knows—tongues, fingers, brains and kinks can add up to great sex.

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