The Cheesecake Test

Going full Myers-Briggs on a first date isn’t very chill, so learn what you need to know about your would-be bae by what slice they order.

Slices from The Sweet Hereafter (6148 Quinpool Road). - THE COAST
THE COAST
Slices from The Sweet Hereafter (6148 Quinpool Road).

Ideally, the person who slid into your DMs would arrive on the highly anticipated first date ready to provide any need-to-know info you weren't able to suss out from their social media. With their horoscope's rising sign or what Hogwarts house they'd be sorted into, you could quickly decide if this situation is more "thank u, next" or "Into You." But it's only that simple when two Virgos are meeting up after swiping right. For the rest of the dating world, we gotchu with what is henceforth known as The Cheesecake Test. The test's beauty lies in its elegant simplicity, completely unburdened by science. Just take note of what your new beau orders and read way into it. Here's how to go with your gut on some popular cheesecakes:

Mango
The person who chooses mango cheesecake has a personality that mainly consists of posting a countdown to their beach vacation, which is 306 days away. Watch for that "take me back" post the day after they return. Three hundred sixty-five days of beach photos: In a never-ending circle of "Where are you," they are always in Halifax.

Vanilla
They think they're a minimalist but they risk coming off as boring, especially when they start talking about how Justin Timberlake's Man of the Woods was an excellent record. But, someone who likes vanilla is a good match for someone who always accidentally orders coconut bubblegum. Green light: Vanilla definitely picks you up at the airport. With a double-double, ready to go. But actually a single-single, because they're a minimalist.

Vegan chocolate
They're a vegan, whose hobbies include veganism. Their type is vegans. Red flag: They forget to ask if the chocolate is ethically sourced.

Kit Kat, Rolo or other chocolate bar-flavoured slice
It would be good to note that anyone who eats the single topping first is an anarchist. This is also a tip-off they're likely to have four bags of bread in the freezer that only have the heel left. Suitable partners eat at least some of the cheesecake with the tempting treat. Play a game of "would you rather" over your slice to see if they're the type to leave a job half-finished or if that's just a dessert thing for them. They won't pick you up from the airport because they left it too late to meet you on time—but that's just because they were at home cooking your favourite dinner from scratch because, hey, aren't you famished from travelling all day?

Cookies & cream
They still call it the Metro Centre and they prefer Jubilee Junction to Triple A. Theme song: "Life Is A Highway."

Cherry
Three bites in, they'll lay down their fork to say their mom's is better. If this feels like a red flag, that's because it is—unless you have regular access to said mom's homemade baked goods. Also, they'll ask their mom to take them to meet you at the airport.

Dark chocolate with orange
A sophisticate who orders a black coffee before choosing a slice. They love to talk about when they "lived in Europe" even though it was a month-long study abroad.

Chai latte
Their snapchats are always the funniest. They can't wait to see Lizzo at Osheaga this summer and will give you super-helpful skincare tips to undo the effects of this added sugar on your complexion.

About The Authors

Caora McKenna

Caora is the City Editor at The Coast, where she writes about everything from city hall to police and housing issues. She’s been with The Coast since 2017, when she began as the publication’s Copy Editor.

Morgan Mullin

Morgan is the Arts & Entertainment Editor at The Coast, where she writes about everything from what to see and do around Halifax to profiles of the city’s creative class to larger cultural pieces. She’s been with The Coast since 2016.

Kyle Shaw

Kyle is the editor of The Coast. He was a founding member of the newspaper in 1993 and was the paper’s first publisher. Kyle occasionally teaches creative nonfiction writing (think magazine-style #longreads) and copy editing at the University of King’s College School of Journalism.

Support The Coast

At a time when the city needs local coverage more than ever, we’re asking for your help to support independent journalism. We are committed as always to providing free access to readers, particularly as we confront the impact of COVID-19 in Halifax and beyond.

Read more about the work we do here, or consider making a donation. Thank you for your support!

Comments (0)

Add a comment

Add a Comment

Poll

Did you vote in advance polls for the 2021 federal election?

Get more Halifax

Our Thursday email gets you caught up with The Coast. Sign up and go deep on Halifax.