QLet's say my kink is edging and I edge myself for a few days leading up to a date. Is it my responsibility to tell my potential partner? There are a few variables here that are important to note. This is a first/Tinder date, and it's just a coffee date, BUT she and I have talked about our expectations and there will likely be a physical aspect in whatever potential relationship may ensue. I understand that it's never cool to involve someone in your kink without their consent, but what are the rules here?
On one hand, if I don't divulge this information, I could see how my production of an unexpectedly large amount of ejaculate could be upsetting, depending on the circumstances/activity. But on the other hand, at least some amount of come is expected, right? If I randomly had massive loads every single time through no effort of my own, would I be responsible for letting a partner know? Perhaps it would be the polite thing to do. I guess I'd feel comfortable saying, "Hey, by the way, I produce very large loads," if sex was imminent. But when you add the kink factor into the mix, I think something like that should be talked about before sex is "imminent." So what responsibility do I have to divulge this information?
And if I do have a responsibility to divulge this, when would be the appropriate time to bring it up? I feel like it could be sexy to be so open about a taboo, given that we've already discussed the desire for a physical aspect to the relationship. But at what point between sex being "not off-limits" and "my parts are going to be interacting with your parts as soon as our clothes are off" is the right moment to disclose my kink? —What Ought One Do?
Let’s say… you blow that load. I can’t imagine your new friend will be shocked. Blowing loads, after all, is what men do* with their penises**, WOOD, and most people who are attracted to men are aware of this fact. And anyone who’s slept with two or more men is aware that some men blow bigger loads than others. Volume varies. Volumes vary between men, and the volume of an individual man’s loads can vary naturally or as the direct result of an intentional intervention, like edging.
Backing up for a second: Edging entails bringing yourself or being brought to the edge of coming over and over again. It's about getting yourself or someone else as close as you can to the "point of orgasmic inevitability" without going over. Draw out the buildup to a single orgasm for hours or days—by edging yourself or being edged by someone else—and the resulting load will be larger than normal for the edged individual. But even so, an edged dude's load can still be smaller than the load of a guy who just naturally produces more ejaculate.
If you want to tell her, go ahead and tell her. But since there's no need to tell her that you sometimes like to stroke for a bit without climaxing, there's a strong chance she'll react negatively to your "courtesy" disclosure. Even if she's made it clear there could be "a physical aspect in whatever potential relationship may ensue"—even if that's not just dickful thinking on your part—she's going to be scrutinizing you for signs that you aren't someone she wants to get naked with. She'll be looking for red flags at your first face-to-face meeting, and if you come across like a creep with piss-poor judgment—and a needless conversation about how much ejaculate you produce and why you produce so much ejaculate will definitely come across as creepy—then she may decide not to ensue with you.
Q I'm a queer man who usually tops with men. A bad first try at receiving anal at age 16 led me to not bottom for years. After seeing the looks of delight on my partners' faces, I decided to give bottoming another go. I followed your advice—lots of lube and relaxation, a little weed—and tried lots of different positions and dick sizes. But no matter what, I never seem to get past the pain and into the pleasure zone. I enjoy being fingered and using a prostate massager, so I know my prostate is in there. How many times should I try bottoming before I decide it's not for me? —Twentysomething Into Glutes Had To Have Orgasms Lustily Elsewhere
AThere's no set number of times a queer person has to try bottoming before deciding it's not for them, TIGHTHOLE. A person—queer or straight—can make that call without ever having tried bottoming. An exclusive top who isn't afraid of his own hole—a queer guy who enjoys being fingered and using a prostate massager—doesn't have a hang-up; he's just a guy who knows what works for his hole and what doesn't. And that's more than most people know.
Q A few days ago, someone broke into my house. Everything of value was taken—including my two dogs—but they left my clothes and stuff of that nature. Last night, my boyfriend and I were getting ready to fuck, and I went to the drawer I keep all our sex toys in, and they were all gone. I’m not only upset because hundreds of dollars of toys were taken, I also feel violated.
This person has not only violated me by coming into my home and taking things, but by taking something so personal and intimate. I survived rape and molestation by a family member who is in jail for his actions, so sadly I know what it feels like to be violated. And this has brought that violation back and makes me feel like that same vulnerable, helpless child I was so many years ago. My boyfriend is being supportive, but I just feel so horrible and I do not know how to cope with this. —Thief Has Exhumed Family Trauma
A I’m so sorry this was done to you, THEFT, and it’s perfectly understandable that this final violation—the theft of your sex toys on top of the theft of your other belongings and your dogs (!!!)—would dredge up painful memories of past sexual violations. I can’t offer you much beyond my acknowledgment of how awful this is and my sympathy. But if you’re having trouble coping, if you’re reeling from this, schedule a few sessions with a good therapist, someone who can help you process those feelings. I also think you should consider moving to a place that won’t be haunted by this violation, if possible, and your boyfriend should—when you’re ready—take you out and treat you to a few brand-new sex toys.
Have a question about sex, sexuality or relationships? Email it to Dan Savage, it could get answered in the column some week soon.
*Not all men have penises, not all penises have men, not all men blow loads, not all loads are blown by men.
**Not the only thing men do with their penises, some men don't do that thing with their penises, some penis-havers don't do that thing as men.