We brought Savage Love Live to the Music Box Theatre in Chicago, the Barrymore Theatre in Madison, Wisconsin and the Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis over three nights. As is always the case at live shows, the crowd had more questions than I could possibly answer in a single night. In this week's column I'm going to tear through some questions I wasn't able to get to.
Q If you use food for vaginal play, is there any type you should definitely avoid?
A Lasagna makes for a lousy insertion toy. (Food doesn't belong in vaginas; there could be bacteria on the food, even after washing, that results in a nasty infection. #FuckFirst #EatAfter.)
Q How do you feel about relationships that have a time frame or defined end point? For example, one person is going away for school or a new job?
A I'm fine about relationships with seemingly set end points, as relationships don't have to be open to or become long-term in order to be a success. (Did you meet a nice person? Did you have some good sex? Did you part on good terms? Success!) And the world is filled with couples that met at a time in their lives when school or work commitments meant they couldn't be together—and yet, years or even decades later, they're still together. You never know.
Q Is it OK that I always seem to hate my partners' mothers? Is this normal?
A It isn't and it's not. When you're the common denominator in a lot of high-stress, high-conflict relationships, you're most likely the problem.
Q Why do straight guys like anal so much?
A Superhero movies, bottled beer, watching sports—there are lots of things straight guys like that I just don't get. But I get why they like anal: Done right, anal feels amazing. And not just for the person doing the penetrating. When it's done right, it is also great for the person being penetrated. And sometimes the person being penetrated is a straight guy.
Q I work in secondary education and I'm in an open marriage. My job is awesome, but I'm so afraid of a student or a parent seeing me when I'm out with a different partner. What should I do?
A You could hope people would mind their own business and continue to make out in public—or whatever it is you're doing in public that makes it clear you're fucking/dating someone who isn't your spouse—or you could be discreet. Since anti-discrimination statutes don't offer protections to people in open relationships, and since people regularly freak out about teachers having sex at all, you really have no other choices besides discretion (when out with others) or shouldering the risk (of losing your job).
Q My former lover cheated on his current live-in girlfriend with me. She has no idea. Should I tell her what a narcissistic cheater her boyfriend is?
A Vengeful former affair partners don't have much more credibility than narcissistic cheaters—indeed, people view both with similar contempt. But you do you.
Q My husband and I are swingers. For him, it's who he is. For me, it's something I do (and like!). We argue over how often we go out or have sex with other couples. Any suggestions for finding a happy medium?
A More often than you'd like, and less often than he'd like—call it the bittersweet spot.
Q What tips do you have for lesbians in long-term relationships who want to keep sex fun and interesting?
A My advice for lesbians who want to keep their LTRs hot is the same as my advice for gays, straights, bis, et cetera who want to keep theirs hot. At the start of the relationship, you were the adventure they were on, and they were the adventure you were on. That's why it was so effortlessly hot at the start. But once you're not each other's sexy new adventure anymore—once you're an established couple—you have to go find sexy adventures together to keep it hot. And that requires making a conscious effort. Explore your kinks, buy some sex toys, have sex someplace other than your bedroom, invite very special guest stars, et cetera.
Q How do I create a sexier bedroom for even better sex?
A Bedrooms are overrated, if you ask me (which you did), whereas basements, office stairwells, clean single-seat restrooms in upscale restaurants, the space underneath banquet tables in hotel ballrooms, et cetera are all under-utilized.
Q I'm 99.975 percent sure I don't want kids. My boyfriend of almost four years has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the year. Should we go through with it? My boyfriend is really fucking sexy, hence the .025 percent doubt.
A Vasectomies, like pregnancies, are reversible. Your boyfriend could also go to a sperm bank and put a load or three on ice.
Q Female, 32, straight and very pregnant. I'm about to pop! Do you have any postpartum sex advice?
A Explore outercourse for a while and try to have (or try to fake) a positive attitude about it.
Savage Love Live comes to Toronto and Somerville on October 11 and 12. For info and tickets go to savagelovecast.com/events