Q I am a mostly straight, 22-year-old woman. I am a pretty GGG gal. I am generally not put off easily, even if I am told things that don't quite do it for me. So I just started seeing this guy. I haven't known him for long---no serious sexual activity other than mild foreplay. The other night, a few drinks in, we ventured into talking about sex and porn. When I asked what type of porn he watches, he said that he likes videos of "dirty whores, rape scenarios and gang bangs." Now mind you, I like being treated like a dirty whore. And I love porn. But for some reason, this put me off. I ended up heading home early, and I am apprehensive about seeing him again. Was my reaction legit? I've indulged other partners in bondage, BDSM, power games and so on (which I am very much into). So why am I judging this nice, good-looking guy as a creep? —Turned Off And Displeased
A First, TOAD, I want to praise you for trusting your gut and getting out of there. Everyone should follow your example: When someone is making you uncomfortable, folks, emulate TOAD---make your excuses and bolt. Onto your question...
Someone who's turned on by extreme power games---hardcore BDSM, degradation, verbal abuse, role-play scenarios, sexist stereotypes---has to demonstrate that he (or she) is not just extremely trustworthy, TOAD, but extremely sensible. And when this guy shared his interest in some pretty extreme kinks so early in the relationship ("haven't known him for too long"), your gut rightly told you that this "nice, good-looking guy" wasn't someone with whom you would feel safe.
Because when he told you about his extreme kinks, TOAD, you simply didn't know him well enough to say to yourself, "Hey, that's some hardcore shit there---but he's proved himself to be a good person and I would feel safe doing this stuff with him." And not only didn't you know him well enough to come to that conclusion, he should've known that you didn't know him well enough to come to that conclusion.
By sharing his kinks too soon, TOAD, this seemingly nice guy demonstrated poor judgment and worse impulse control. And rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control are the first and second things we should look for in someone whose sexual interests are way the fuck out there.
I don't think he should've lied, TOAD, but he should have had the common sense to kick the conversation down the road or downplay without misrepresenting, i.e. instead of saying, "I'm into dirty whores, rape scenarios and gang bangs," he could have said, "I'm into experienced business women, some intense role-play scenarios, and I'm intrigued by group sex scenes with significant gender imbalances." Then, after you got to know each other a bit better, and after he had proved himself to be a decent, trustworthy guy with rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control, he could've opened up a bit more and given you a clearer picture of his kinks, and perhaps done so without creeping you out.
I'm not saying that he's a creep or an abuser or a wannabe rapist---or that he's not all of those things. Maybe he's just young and inexperienced and hasn't learned how to talk about his creepy kinks without creeping people out, TOAD, or maybe the booze caused him to blurt out something he usually rolls out with more finesse. It's up to you whether you give him a second chance---but if he creeps you out, trust that gut of yours and bolt.
Q I'm in my 30s, married and bisexual. My wife does not accept my bisexuality as "real." While it is true that I lean toward women, I definitely find some men attractive, and I had some forms of sex with several men before I got together with my wife. However, since I never took it in the ass, she believes that I'm not really bisexual. Furthermore, she gets embarrassed when we are with our gay friends and tales of my man-on-man experiences come up. She wants me not to talk about it at all. I'm not hitting on anyone, or contemplating cheating on her with a man, just talking about the past. Am I wrong to think that she is being an asshole by not accepting my sexuality? —Likes Men But Loves Wife
A Your wife refuses to believe that you're bisexual because you never got around to taking it in the ass. There's a simple way to solve that problem, LMBLW: Take it in the ass a couple dozen times and present your wife with a lovely boxed set of commemorative DVDs.
That would mean cheating on her, though, something you're not interested in doing and something she fears. I suppose you could point out that women with straight husbands aren't exactly guaranteed an adultery-free ride. Sandra Bullock, Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren all married 100 percent heterosexual men---at least so far as we know---and despite their husbands' failure to take it in the ass (no man's perfect), all three women wound up on the cover of In Touch, Us and People.
But, while I think your wife is being a bit of an asshole (and a lot in denial) by not accepting your bisexuality, LMBLW, regaling your gay pals with tales of your manly experiences could annoy a spouse who was comfortable with your sexuality.
Q As a "not-stereotypical-looking" lesbian who tends to be attracted to other "not-stereotypical-looking" lesbians, I wish EVERY "single and looking" lesbian wore something that said so---like the lesbian reader who was thinking about going out in a "Single. Lesbian. Interested?" t-shirt. When I do go out to the one lesbian bar in my city, people look at me with that "What are you doing in OUR bar?" stare. —Show Me Your Status
A It seems to me that what single lesbians need is a secret sign. I'm thinking something subtle, SMYS, not because I'm pro-closet, but because I'm pro-tasteful. Message t-shirts? Never tasteful. And "Nobody Knows My Girlfriend is a Lesbian" t-shirts are very 1995.
Instead, maybe all lesbians everywhere should start wearing a button. No words, just a solid colour, something small and tasteful that could be pinned to the strap of a purse (popular with "not-stereotypical-looking" lesbians), the lapel of a jacket, or the belt loop on a pair of jeans. Thinking outside the lavender/pink/purple box, I think the button should be green---green for "go," green as in "Go ahead and hit on me, ladies. I'm a lesbian."