Q I'm the bisexual everyone loves to hate because I want to be in a poly relationship with both a man and a woman. I am a woman who is into commitment, loyalty, love, trust and honesty. I am not looking to cheat on anyone. But I discovered after one failed marriage to a man and one long-term relationship with a woman that I want to be in a romantic, sexually committed relationship with a man and a woman at the same time. This could possibly involve three-way sex, but probably not. It is more about sharing my life intimately with both a man and a woman. Unfortunately, I don't know if I will ever find that perfect balance because so far all my potential serious partners have been turned off by the idea that I want to be with two people and believed that I should "get over it" and just be in a monogamous relationship with them—straight or gay. Should I keep searching? Is what I want as valid as what other people want? If so, how do I broach the subject without turning people off? —Love Them Both
A You are not the bisexual everyone loves to hate, LTB. You're the bisexual everyone is looking for. Tons of MF couples are out there desperately hunting for "unicorns," AKA bisexual women who are open to dating couples. Bisexual women open to three-way sex in the context of a committed poly triad are in particularly high demand. Anyone who reads my column knows this, LTB, and presumably you're a reader. (You wouldn't be writing to me for advice if you hadn't been reading the column, right?) So either you have lousy retention skills or you're pretending not to know how in demand you are because—consciously or subconsciously—complaining about evil monosexuals and boring monogamists is more appealing to you than actually finding what you want.
You might wanna pray on that.
Moving right along: Your wants are just as valid as anyone else's, LTB, but we don't all get what we want. You'll have a better chance of finding what you want if you're open about your wants and if you refrain from dating people who don't want the same things you want. Seek out those couples looking for unicorns, seek out poly-identified singles and be up-front about your wants with anyone who seeks you out. Some people will be turned off when you broach the subject, LTB, but so what? Those people are wrong for you. Why would you want to waste one moment of your time and romantic energy on people who are turned off by the idea of openness and/or committed poly triads? It's not exactly rocket science: Don't date people who don't want what you want and you're likelier to wind up in relationships with people who want what you want—or, more likely, you'll wind up in relationships with people whose wants are different but come close enough to yours that you can hammer out a workable compromise.
Because there is no settling down without settling for, LTB, and that applies to bisexual and monosexuals, monogamists and polyamourists. Good luck.
Q I'm a 31-year-old gay man. I've never been in a relationship. I've had some extremely shady events in my sexual history, including but not limited to meth use, group sex, using my body to get drugs from disgusting older men, etc. Now I live with my parents, go to school part-time and have no money because I don't work. Am I datable? I believe I'm not. What exactly do I have to offer to a potential partner? I fear if I don't start to try dating for real that I'll continue to repeat my previous shady behaviours. Which I did last night, wherein I sucked five cocks and smoked a truckload of meth, although it was the first time I smoked in a year. —Gay Lost Cause
A Would you date you? I realize that's harsh, GLC, but someone who can handle a truckload of meth in one night—to say nothing of five cocks—should be able to handle a little bluntness.
Now back to the question at hand: Would you date you? If you wouldn't date someone in the condition you're currently in, GLC, then it's highly unlikely that anyone else would. The idea that there are millions of single people seeking romantic relationships with train wrecks is a fantasy promoted by Hollywood. People generally look for partners who are in good working order. No one is perfect, of course, and no one who wants to be partnered seeks perfection. But you do need to have your shit together to attract someone who has their shit together. If your shit isn't together, get it together. You don't have to be an Adonis or financially secure or without challenges, GLC, you just have to be on top of your problems and working to overcome them.
So maybe you're not datable right now. Your goal should be to make yourself datable in two years' time. Focus on school, look for work, save your money and stay the fuck away from meth and the men who use it. Turn yourself into someone you'd be open to dating—not a perfect person, but a person in good working order, a person with his shit together—and then you'll be datable.
Q Is it weird to find cochlear implants (a device for people with profound hearing loss that looks like a plastic circle implanted in their skull) attractive on twentysomething guys? I don't know if it's because I work in a field related to audiology or because it makes them look kind of vulnerable but cool at the same time. I saw two guys in a row this week with them, and I was like, damn. Is this weird? If not, how do I pick these boys up? —Love Implant Boys
A It is weird, LIB, but that shouldn't stop you from pursuing attractive boys with cochlear implants. And you pick those boys up the same way you pick up boys who don't have cochlear implants: You smile at them, you talk to them, you flirt with them. If you establish that the attraction is mutual, you hang out, you make out, you fuck 'em silly. You don't necessarily have to disclose that their cochlear implants were what initially drew your eye, LIB, but be sure to tell them that isn't the only thing you find attractive about them if you do disclose.